Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The Doyle Wears Prada

Jake senses that something must be up when, all of a sudden, Tinny starts sport a new Prada wardrobe.  Jake wonders how this part-time PI's assistant can afford these new threads, or even find this season's Prada offerings in St. John's?

Hoping not to worry Mal and Rose that something illegal may be up with their judgment impaired granddaughter, Jake decides to take on the investigation pro bono with only Walter's help.

Using his high lawyer's salary as a front, Jake sends Walter to every high-end clothing store Tinny enters. While pretending to shop Walter is actually secretly spying on Tinny and watching what she does with the clothes.

It doesn't take Jake long to figure out that Tinny hasn't come into money, but that she is just being Tinny and stealing the clothes by putting them on under he clothes.

After the threat of a beating, Tinny agrees to return all of her stolen merch.  She and Jake leave a garbage bag full of clothing on the front steps of the store in the middle of the night and then drive away in the GTO to talk about life choices and not getting caught.

Doyle Break

For Spring Break the Doyles head south and hit the beaches for a week of rest and relaxation.

Given that everyone's on vacay instead of solving mysteries the Doyles just around on beach chairs and tan and drink watered-down rum punch.  Of course this also means that that the ladies in the vicinity get plenty of time to check out Jake's chiselled physique.

From time to time, Jake gets up and does a slo-mo Baywatch-style run down the beach.  It's kind of amazing.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Mr. Doyle

In an attempt to cash in on some of the recent upswing in popularity of humorously inept teachers Jake swings by MUN and picks up some substitute teaching credentials.  Almost as soon as he's certified as a sub hot lady teachers can't wait to be 'sick' to have a chance to call Jake at 6:00 AM and speak to him for a few minutes.

Almost as soon as Jake starts getting these 6:00 AM calls from frisky lady teachers he realizes that substitute teaching isn't for him.  But because he cares about the children he can't quit in the middle of a massive flu epidemic - first he's got to get to the bottom of why there has suddenly been so much sickness among the lady teachers of St. John's.

By sending Tinny in to Holy Heart as an undercover student she is able to listen in on a few of the teachers talking about their feelings for Jake.  Of course it isn't until Jake talks to Nikki and confirms that no one in St. John's actually has the flu that he starts to figure out what's been going on.

Mal and Rose knew the score all along but kept quiet because they liked seeing Jake woken up early by lady admirers.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Le Petit Doyle

Jake wakes up to find himself alone in a resettled island outport.  Within just a few hours Jake starts to feel very protective of the animal life on the island - he knows that he would do anything to fend off a threat.

After surviving for several days on berries and lichen a mysterious man appears on the island.

Jake explains that when he is not trapped on resettled islands he is a PI.  For no apparent reason the man asks Jake to draw an investigation.

When Jake hands the man a drawing of a box he is met with confusion.  Jake then explains that the complex investigation is taking place inside the box.

There's something about Jake visiting a number of other resettled outports and then possibly dying, but who will really be paying attention to any of these details after that sweet box trick?

Sunday, March 11, 2012

No Big Doyle

Jake wins Miss Newfoundland and Labrador 2012. Townies don't see the big deal, but the outports are furious, and Mount Pearl, CBS, and Corner Brook are confused over how Jake won and whether they are town or bay.

Tinny professes to be unaffected by Jake's win, but begins dishing some serious passive agression his way. Jake offers to investigate pro bono how he, neither a woman nor between the ages of 18-24, won Miss NL, until he finds out this means for free.

Jake is pretty ambivalent about the case, since his magic tricks were awesome and his little red dress was killer. But Jake tracks a lead to Tinny's room where he discovers the plans on her wall to win Miss NL, and it becomes clear to him: Des has been jealous of his success all along! Mal gently nudges Jake and mutters something. It becomes clear to him: Tinny wanted to become Miss NL!

Jake recommends that they hold the pageant again to prevent the townies and baymen from a giant battle at the Come-By-Chance refinery that could see the isthmus obliterated and the island torn.

Who will win the new competition? Will the Doyle clan get over the revelations of jealousy? How many bay lady contestants will Jake bed over two contests? Jake throws the competition, but Tinny loses out to a determined Mark Critch, and all shed tears of happiness.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Jake and the Missus

Nikki hires Jake to figure out why they ever broke up in the first place.  This forces Jake to investigate the dozens of affairs he had during his 6 month marriage to Nikki.  Not surprisingly, Nikki isn't the least bit pleased with the findings of the investigation - until this point she had only known about a handful of the affairs.

Fish, Food, and Allied Doyles

Jake isn't content with his working conditions.  Mal's satisfied with nothing less than a 90 hour week and a swamping out of the head every second day, and that hardly leaves Jake any time to woo the ladies of St. John's.

Jake scopes out Tinny and Des's opinions on their working conditions and find that they are similarly dissatisfied.  Much to Jake's surprise, he even finds that Rose is less than happing with her job security and constantly changing schedule.

When it's finally put to a vote Jake is successful in creating the first PI-based union in the province.  Of course Mal's some rotted with his family when he learns that he will now have to negotiate with shop steward Jake before assigning tasks or changing the schedule.

Though the union is able to renegotiate Jake's contract he soon finds that while he no longer working 90 hours a week as a PI, he is making up for any reduction in paid work with union work based on complaints from his co-workers about working conditions.

Fortunately for Jake, one of the union liaisons assign to his local just happens to be a very attractive woman with a soft spot for chiseled abs.

Sadly, because the episode requires a fair bit of exposition about labour law it ends before we find out if Jake is successful in his latest conquest.

Speech from the Doyle

In his annual televised address to the criminals and law-abiders of Newfoundland Jake Doyle outlined his PI agency's plans for the coming year's crime fighting agenda.  Though he warned of a reduced budget, Jake promised increased crime-fighting through various efficiencies, particularly the adoption of a paper-free-workplace policy.  Jake also promised that, through attrition, he would reduce the size of his staff and facilitate the creation of the most efficient and effective crime-fighting PI agency the province has ever seen.  Of course, Jake also promised transparency and accountability as well as to continue to work on his abs and continue to drive his GTO (w)recklessly through the streets of St. John's.

Are the criminals really scared by these changes? Is the new page-a-day Jake Doyle abs calendar really going to be the revenue generator Jake thinks it will be?  Will Mal figure out that he is the one being talked about when Jake uses the word 'attrition'?

Friday, March 2, 2012

Throw Doyle From the Train

Jake flashes back to the time Christian threw him from the Trinity Loop train, humiliating him in front of all the girls at camp.  This round of reminiscing leads to a bout of depression that sets him back at least a week or two with the ladies.  Fortunately for the good citizens of St. John's, Jake Doyle can private detect through even serious depression.

The Doyle's New Clothes

Fearing his sense of style may is a bit outdated Jake heads to Tinny for some up-to-date fashion advice.  Tinny agrees to help Jake immediately, maybe even a little too fast.

Soon enough Jake is decked out in a wide array of thrift store 'finds' which Tinny assures him are what all the kids are wearing these days.  She is particularly emphatic that he has to wear at least a wolf print sweatshirt or free beer shirt each day if he is to fit in.

Mal and Rose are immediately horrified by Jake's change of attire (and they can't help but wonder where the $300 leather jacket they recently purchased him has gone).  Mal is worried what this unprofessional attire might do to client retention (this is a little strange as he doesn't seem to mind that Jake sleeps with all of the female clients).

Des and Walter are encouraged to use their positions of trust with Jake to get to the bottom of the Jake's new Ke$ha influenced garbage-chic look.

Though Des soon figures out that Tinny is behind this practical fashion joke his misplaced affection convinces him that he should cover for her and that all will be right with the world if she just helps Jake get back to something approximating his old sense of style, even if it is a little 1994.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Doyle Swan

Jake finally suffers a mental breakdown while on an important case tracking down Jimmy "Rubber boots" Squires and the Ugly Stick B'ys. While it is unclear what the charges are, they are all clearly hard cases, and up to no good. Jake is not under pressure from the chase; he's only got to pick up some hot dogs and have a bbq in Buckmaster Circle, and the b'ys'll show up with bottles of Boone's.

Jake is actually under pressure from having to be the most shapely PI in town in case a shirt removal is required while investigating. Jake's Holywood starvation diet leaves him short of energy for detecting clues or hitting on hotties. Every time a criminal mentions to Jake that he looks a bit paunchy, Jake must starve himself more, and crime goes up further.

Finally, Jake cracks during the trip to the supermarket to pick up food for the bbq, and can be seen running down the aisles raving about the processed food monsters. Jake then works out to look good for the bbq scene, leaving him weaker. Meanwhile Rubber boots and the Ugly Stick b'ys are wise to Jake's plan, and set a trap of their own.

Can Jake summon the strength to law down the law, or will he get beat with ugly sticks? Will Jake do ballet to get himself out of this jam? Will tofu burgers be the vegetarian option? The answers are tattooed on Jake's torso, so the shirt can come off.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Doyle: Impossible - Ghost Protocol

CSIS assigns the Doyle's a tricky new case that requires them to covertly surveil the world's most expensive gem - which just happens to be inside a bank vault on Water Street.  At first the Doyles are stumped, they just can't figure out how they will set up surveillance on the gem without making themselves known.

After a few sessions of brain storming Des figures it out.  If they temporarily turn Des into a ghost he will be able to enter the vault and watch the gem undetected.  Of course, close watch will need to be kept on Des's body so that he can be revived before it's too late.

Just after Des sees the prospective thief Jake happens to meet a pretty new morgue attendant.  It's not long before Jake is more interested in the pretty lady than reviving Des.  Fortunately for Des, at the last minute Rose and Mal come to the morgue and revive Des.  Jake and the hot missus tumble out of the broom closet just a Des regains consciousness.

Mr. Saturday Doyle

As an old man Jake looks back on his time as a young PI.  Jake flashes back to a few of his more exciting GTO chases and his best bedroom-based conquests.  For some strange reason the technical details of the cases seem to elude him, as do any memories of Mal or the other Doyles.

The Canadian Charter of Rights and Doyles

After running into trouble for illegally detaining a perp, Jake and Mal are taken to task by the RNC.  Jake, convinced that he is suffering a miscarriage of justice, decides that if pleading the 5th isn't an option for him (he tried that first), he will somehow try to get out of trouble by making use of the all powerful 'not withstanding clause.'

Jake is super bummed when he learns that even governments can't use the notwithstanding clause on the "Everyone has the right not to be arbitrarily detained or imprisoned" clause and that a person can't take advantage of the notwithstanding clause at all.  What a tease.

Anyway, at least during the proceedings there was another hot crown prosector for Jake to seduce.  All is right with the world, even if Jake does now have a criminal record.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

The 40 Year Old Doyle

After going home alone on the night of his 40th birthday party Jake enlists Des to help him find his missing sex appeal.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


In this episode, despite his best efforts and a massive social media campaign, Jake is unable to get anyone to catch #doylesanity.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Flag Doyle

Jake decides to get to the bottom of Newfoundland's questionable flag.  Jake also wonders if there isn't a way to switch in the green, white, pink as Newfoundland's flag without City Hall noticing.

Dress your Doyle in Corduroy and Denim

While going undercover work a case relating to academic irregularities the Doyles all have to adopt the dress habits of contemporary university students - they an wear nothing but corduroy or denim.  Mal's bellbottoms give him away as a non-student and the case is blown.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Doyle and Fries

Jake sits at his kitchen table and quietly munches on a large plate of fries with ketchup.

Will Jake manage to finish the whole plate? Are the ladies buying his new "strong, silent type" image?
Will Jake's abs go on strike over this sudden influx of saturated fat? McCain Foods bought the episode, but in a stunning twist Proctor & Gamble bought the last scene, so Pepto Bismol saves Jake from an upset tummy.

Bored to Doyle

For as long as he can remember Jake's romantic interests have complained that he is too tied up in his work as a PI.  He's always racing around town at odd hours and is far too spontaneous.

On a whim, shortly after being rejected by Leslie because of such tendencies, Jake decides to submit a few short stories to the Newfoundland Quarterly.  Even though he claims to be nothing more than an enthusiastic amateur his contributions are accepted for publication.

Before he knows it, Jake can't stop writing.  Even worse, he keeps getting published.  It's almost as though he can't be rejected.  He starts to think that writing may be his true passion and that the only justification for his continuing involvement with the detecting industry is to provide him with plot lines and character outline (and maybe with access to contemporary drug slang).

Of course even though Jake has taken up the staid, even reclusive, life of a modern fiction writer to be more appealing to women they don't seem to notice the change.  Even worse is that many of them don't even believe him when he tells them he is now a published author.  They can still only see the old Jake, the incorrigible, insensitive PI.  His troubles, and written output, continue unabated.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

This Side of Doyle

Walter, having a lot of time with the Doyles, starts to think that he may have a squatter's claim on being a Doyle.  To demonstrate the validity of his claim to the Doyle clan Walter decides that instead of forwarding a juicy case to the Doyles he will do with the investigative work himself, though with some assistance from the masterful Des.

With Des covering surveillance for him while he is in court, Walter soon feels as though he was made to be a PI.  The ladies keep coming his way and he can't stop finding clues (even if they are just played out Nevada tickets that aren't really related to the case).

This start to go awry when Jake starts having a hard time keeping Walter on the phone.  Jake decides to set up surveillance on Walter to find out what's going on.

Jake's investigation is slowed down by the fact that assigned the actual surveillance duties to Des, who had no interest in letting his boss know that he had been moonlighting and 'borrowing' equipment.

After a few days of disappointing results from Des, Jake decides to have Tinny surveil Des.  Soon enough the whole scam falls apart and Walter and Des's ploy is uncovered.  Of course, Jake also has to step up and help Walter our as he hadn't really made progress in the investigation (a particularly troubling situation as Walter had opted to be paid in advance).

The Curious Case of Benjamin Doyle

Doyles being Doyles it's hardly uncommon for Jake or Mal to run into someone claiming to be a relation of theirs.  While most of these instances of claimed familial association are entirely imagined, from time to time there is some truth the claims.

Not too long ago Jake was stopped on the street by someone claiming to be his long lost brother, Benjamin Doyle.  Of course Jake was somewhat skeptical as he didn't recall ever having heard about Benjamin, or even know how he would have come into existence.

After Benjamin explained to Jake that he was the result of a brief but intense love affair between Mal and Benjamin's mother while Mal was stationed with the RNC on Fogo he went on to claim to have been blessed with some of the families detecting gifts.  Benjamin claimed he was so good that the only crime committed on the island were the bootlegging he did from the mainland, he had everything else under control.

As Jake was in the midst of a tough case at the moment he invited Benjamin to join the investigation, though with the agreement they wouldn't let Mal or Rose know about ol' Benny's origin story.

And, then, as suddenly as Benjamin appeared he disappeared, never to be heard from again.  Given the complexity of the case and that Jake no longer had a detecting partner he was unable to make any more progress and had to hand things over to Tinny and Des.

The Eighteenth Doyle of Louis Napoleon

As soon as news spread  that a megalomaniacal former premier had claimed for himself the long moribund Newfoundland crown and had subsequently proclaimed himself The Honourable Protector and Saviour of Newfoundland the Doyles quarantined themselves in their super-secret bunker.

The Doyles, being an old Newfoundland family that predated even the days of Dominion status, were not going to stand for such a state of affairs.

With Walter acting as a messenger and lieutenant (pronounced the American way to increase the show's chances of syndication) the Doyles begin to muster their troops.  Doyles from all across the province, and even a few from Ontario, make their way to St. John's where they will receive their directions from Jake and Field Marshall Mal.

In the concluding scene, the Battle of Confederation Hill, the Doyle forces overthrow the pretender to the crown.  As thanks for their salvation, the people of Newfoundland crown Jake and Mal joint Honourable Protectors and Saviours of Newfoundland.  They also agree to create the Royal Order of the Doyles to honour those Doyle who fought for the freedom of all Newfoundlanders.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Mr. Doyle's Opus

For as long as he can remember, all Mal has ever wanted to do is solve one really big case by himself.  Of course, as is the case for most people, the necessity of providing for his family always meant that he had to take jobs that paid regularly or quickly.  It didn't help that whenever he made a bit of headway Jake would screw up in such a way that would send him back to square zero.

What Mal didn't realize is that while he was solving these small cases he was making a difference in the lives of the residents of St. John's.  There was less theft, there were fewer drug pushers, and maybe even a few less murders.

Mal couldn't see any of the good he had done.  All he could see was that he hadn't cracked a big case - everything was just small potatoes.  All he'd managed to do all these years was keep his head above water.

Just when Mal was almost ready to accept that his life had been a failure and that cracking that big case would forever be out of his reach Rose and Jake called Mal into the office.

What Mal saw when he entered the office was a spider web of string and photos stretching all the way across the room.  It didn't take Rose, Des, and Jake long to start explaining what they had done and why Mal was involved.

It seems that all of Mal's little cases, those same cases that he had despised for so many years, were related to a Moriarty-like figure who had been at the epicentre of crime in St. John's for years.  Without all of the leg work Mal had done catching the small guys the pattern at the heart of the St. John's crime world would never have emerged.

It just took someone else to see it first and then Mal was able to accept that his life really had been worthwhile and that he hadn't been wasting all of those years just working on small cases.  Mal was much easier to live with after this revelation.  Jake, due to his meagre contribution to the case, on the other hand, became insufferable.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


Jake, after reading many unsatisfying PI books, decides that the situation in crime fiction has reached a breaking point.  With Des's help Jake sets up a ACOA funded literary journal dedicated to exclusively publishing short stories about Canadian PIs written by Canadian PIs.

Jake immediately has four of his stories accepted for publication and is on his way to the bank to deposit his honorarium cheque when it is discovered that his 'stories' were nothing more than touched up versions of stories from the local paper that had detailed Jake and Mal's exploits.

When the AG eventually got around to investigating the matter he recommended that in the future literary journal start-up funds only be given to those literary journals that have more accessible mandates.

Doyle of Hate

Mal, worn down by his many years in the detecting racket, begins to hit the bottle pretty hard.  Soon he's not just hitting the bottle hard, but also other Doyles.

Fortunately the insights Des gains from his Newfoundland Literature course at MUN allow him to see that what is really going on. Mal is acting out a living homage to the Percy Janes classic House of Hate.  Jake's some rotted when he finds out it was because of some book that he had to take a bunch of beatings off the old man.

The Elements of Doyle

This episode eschews the narrative format that has thus far constrained the show and gives the viewer a sense of Jake and Mal's rules of and approach to detecting.  Of couse the best part about knowing the rules is that you also know how to break them.

Twelve Angry Doyles

While sitting around the table making saucy comments at a family reunion the Doyles and Des have to use all of their available deductive and inductive detecting skills to determine the culprit behind a string of recent robberies.  At the the end of the meal they give Leslie a call and tell her who dun it.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Prometheus Doyle

After a glowing write-up by John Doyle in the Globe and Mail that praised the Republic of Doyle for being authentically Newfoundland, the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission (CRTC) reads the article and cries, "bullshit!/les conneries!"

The CRTC hires the Doyles to get to the bottom of why there is no actual Newfoundland content in the Republic of Doyle. Jake doesn't see their point given that the show has pretty shots of colourful houses in downtown Sin Jawns and plenty of tourist-friendly weather, but the CRTC mistook him for Don Cherry and are paying good money.

Jake investigates outside downtown Sin Jawns to see what he's missing. There seem to be a lot of houses that all look the same and big box stores. Jake realizes that these places and people are integral to the culture of authentic Newfoundland. Jake writes a comedy of errors episode where Jake and Mal keep walking into the wrong houses, so hilarity would ensue. Jake has another idea for an episode where the big box stores have mysteriously disappeared, and been replaced by an old church and a string of colourful houses. Then Jake and Mal would have to sneak around somewhere dark with flashlights like the X-Files!

Then Jake visits outport Newfoundland to see what else he's missing. He discovers that around the bay no one has GTOs, shades, or leather jackets. In order for Newfoundland to better reflect the ROD, Jake steals cars, sun glasses, and sexy jackets, and distributes them to the bay men and the bay ladies.

The CRTC catch wind of Jake's plan, and do some more bilingual swearing. The CRTC then send CSIS to catch Jake, who punish him most cruelly. CSIS chains Jake to the base of Signal Hill. Each day dirty harbour sea gulls rip Jakes' abs off, and every night his abs grow back, while the thankful bay crowd move to the Pearl to be closer to a Walmart.

Will Republic of Doyle ever get some Newfoundland content? Will the lady that played Scully make a guest appearance? Will the seagulls that feed on Jake's abs become super mutants? The CRTC knows, but can't release the report until its been translated into French.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

The Globe and Doyle

After a glowing write-up by John Doyle (nepotism?) in the Globe and Mail that praised Jake's slagging abilities and the inherent beauty of St. John's Jake and Mal decide to really dial it up and do nothing but play to their strengths.  Jake convinces Mal that the best way to do this is an episode-long chase that takes the film crew through metro St. John's most scenic areas.  While the chase is on-going Jake and Mal engage in witty banter about the progress of the chase.  When they run out of time they apprehend the suspect and hand him over to Leslie and a few other lady hotties at the RNC.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

That 70's Doyle

In this flashback episode we see Mal as he works his first few shifts as a newly minted member of the RNC.  Given that it's a widely known fact that not much was on the go in St. John's in the seventies there weren't too many mysteries for Mal to solve.  Most of the time he just walked between Murray Premises and Arcade, occasionally making his way down as far as the Ship Inn or up to the Cap'ns Quarters.

L.L. Doyle

Given the popularity of catalogue shopping in outport Newfoundland the Doyle's decide to launch their own annual catalogue to try to sell their detecting services to the rest of the province. $50 for an hour of surveillance from Des.  $150 for 30 minutes of surveillance with Mal and Jake and the van.

Once the Doyles start working outside the catchment zone of the RNC they run afoul of the RCMP.  And it turns out that the RCMP aren't nearly so willing to look the other way while the Doyle's break countless laws.  Soon enough the entire clan is in jail, excepting Tinny, is in jail.

Though they tell Tinny to get their bail money from their special contingency fund she has her own ideas about how to raise the money...

Oedipus Doyle

In this exciting follow up to The Royal Doyles, when Jake sees Malachy's ripped abs, Jake loses it. In his jealous rage, Jake transforms into a 5 foot 8 tyrannosaurus rex and rips out Mal's abs, so he may never be buff again. At that moment, Mal's wife is brought into 'stab headquarters
on suspicion of public intoxication. A horny Tyrannosaurus Doyle begins to make his move...

Cue theme song: "Oh yeah!"

The 'stab headquarters have been reduced to quite a state. Mal is on the floor bleeding, his wife is having a smoke, the hot cop is hitting on Tyrannosaurus Jake, one officer is throwing cheeseburgers in his mouth, while another patiently explains that they can't lock up all the white-collar criminals, because that treatment is only for blue collar criminals.

In his own personal heaven, Tyrannosaurus Jake doesn't care about the white collar criminal conspiracy anymore, but promises to eat as many of them as can on his way home. Tyrannosaurus Jake jumps into the GTO and picks up some ladies for a GTO hot tub party.

Unfortunately, the Sin Jawns crowd is not used to having a below average height T. Rex sauntering down Water Street in leather jacket and shades. Panic ensues, and the terrified mob becomes angry and begins looting. T. Rex Jake regretfully realizes he may have to reassume his role as a PI... and a human. Jake just hopes that the mob is dumb enough to video itself in broad daylight while they loot and pillage.

Will Malachy ever be buff again? Will any ladies in Sin Jawns settle for anything less than a dinosaur now? Will the Sin Jawns mob also prosecute itself in addition to providing evidence against? Find out next time, when Jake steals fire from the Gods and gives it to the Newfies.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

The Royal Doyles

The Royal Newfoundland 'Stab have a problem: they suspect that with all the oil money in the city, white collar crime is way up in Sin Jawns, but they are having no success tracking these crimes. They decide to hire consultants to find out more.

Due to Department budget cuts, the RNC have to hire the Doyles, even though Jake once stole drugs from the evidence room, broke someone out of the pen, has obstructed countless RNC investigations with incompetence, is believed to be the alter ego for the obnoxious Sin Jawns superhero "the Dark Foreigner", and all the lady cops either have a pending sexual harassment suit against Jake, or they are the mother of one his illegitimate children, or both.

Jake is determined to win back the confidence of the RNC, and avoid paying child support on 32 little Doyle bastards, who, as Doyles, can make their own way in the world anyway. Jake begins a surveillance program on all those men he sees wearing white collars. Jake finds them wandering around in big box stores looking lost, clearly high on some controlled substances. He peaks into living room windows and finds them staring at big screen TVs blankly. They are in office buildings talking on phones and sneaking off for coffee. Jake is convinced he's on to something big, something huge, and every man in a suit in the metropolis in on it. But what are they up to?

Jake tunes into the show Mad Men for insight, and finds that all men in suits are booze hounds. Jake therefore suspects a liquor smuggling ring of epic proportions, but discovers they've already done an episode about smuggling, and so he dismisses it, as clearly they've solved that problem.

Jake recommends to the RNC that they arrest all men in suits, collared shirts, or polo shirts of a white, cream, or off-white description, and hold them on loitering charges in hopes that one will fold under questioning, and turn state's evidence. The RNC remind Jake that Newfoundland is not a state, so that expression really doesn't apply. Malaki quickly removes his collared shirt, revealing better abs than Jake, who in an Oedipean rage, attacks Malaki.

Are all men in Sin Jawns about to go to the lockup? Will Malaki survive Oedipus Doyle? Does off-white really count as white? The RNC have paid the consultant's fee, but they would really rather not share the report with anyone at this time.

The Hotel New Doyle

The Doyle's decide to give the whole detecting game a rest and, as a family, transition into the hospitality business with the acquisition of a small inn on Fogo.  The inn, a converted fish processing plant, turns out to be a bit more of a challenge to run than the Doyle's expected, and the local kid who dresses up as a bear and pretends to haunt the place isn't helping.

It doesn't take Jake long to get tired of driving the GTO back and forth between Joe Bat's Arm and Stag Harbour.  With Walter's help Jake arranges a buyer for the building and convinces everyone they would be better off back in St. John's.

Soon enough everyone is back to their old lives in St. John's and the whole hotel incident seems like nothing more than a distant dream.  Of course, the only remnant of the hotel experience still in their lives is the kid in the bear suit, he was just too cute to leave behind.

The show resets as the Doyles go for drinks at the Duke and agree to return to their old private detecting lives.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Doyle

A refined Southern gentleman was found passed out in a snowbank just off of George Street.  When he came to in the lock-up the only name he could remember was Malachy Doyle.

When Mal finally reached the lock-up he was surprised to see a complete stranger.  He couldn't help but wonder why this man's post-drunken stupor memory was his name.  But being the nice guy that he is, Mal agreed to sign the guy out of the lock-up and promised to keep an eye on him until he regained his sense of self.

Rose, being the great host that she is, immediately set to making their mystery man at home in the Doyle residence.  Of course Tinny was busy being a brat but everyone did their best to ignore this.

After a few hours the man had regained enough of his senses to recount his story.  He remembered that his name was Harlan T. Jefferson and that he was in town on oil business.  He also remembered that his wife had given him Malachy's name and told him that if was ever in St. John's and needed help he should feel free to contact his long-lost cousin Malachy Doyle.

Jake, instead of accepting this new family member with open arms, smelled a rat.  He was immediately suspicious of Harlan T. Jefferson's story, if not the man himself.

Jake soon set out to get to the bottom of Jefferson's wife's story.  Jake soon pieced together than instead of being a relative of the Doyle's she was actually a former admirer of Malachy's from his high school days.  Wanda Jefferson, nee Murphy, had never forgotten Mal and hoped that the creation of such an elaborate back-story might allow her the opportunity to open a similarly named detective agency in Montgomery, Alabama (the couple's place of residence) to cover-up the losses her hair salon had been recently experiencing.

Monday, January 16, 2012

The Men Who Stare at Doyles

Something's afoot in Pleasantville but Jake can't seem to concentrate long enough to think about it.

All of a sudden there are reports of strange spectral lights emanating from some of the old military buildings.  Birds seem to lose their bearings as they fly overhead.  And a new fence has been erected, closing off one of the old buildings.

Mal's Area 51 fascination kicks and he can't help but start poking around.  Of course Jake's inability to concentrate means he isn't of much help.

Not long after he starts poking around Mal finds that strange things are underway in the old American buildings, but he can't quite put a finger anything.

Fortunately, Mal is able to talk Des into signing up with the Canadian Forces and then take a fast-track assignment back to Pleasantville.

Des, with Mal's guidance, find that the military has been funding a secret program designed to telepathically distract targets.  Because of his general ability to muddle in areas that are none of his business, Jake has been chosen as the program's first test target.

By making their investigative findings public Mal and Des not only cause a major scandal, but bring about the fall of the Canadian government and the cancellation of the program.  Unfortunately, they also have to deal with a newly mentally unimpeded Jake.

Intensive Care Doyle

Nikki, an honourary Doyle if there ever was one, is working in the ER when an amnesia patient comes in.  Not long after the patient arrives the RNC arrive and try to arrest the patient for a heinous crime.

Nikki, being a kind soul, senses that something is amiss - and that the RNC are jumping to unfounded conclusions.  She is soon on the phone with Jake and Mal.

Jake and Mal have to figure out what the amnesia patient might have done and then prove that they weren't guilty of the crime before the RNC are able to have the patient released from the hospital and taken to the lock-up.

Jake and Mal race around St. John's back-tracking the mystery man's steps and eventually realize that the patient was being framed by a mischievous ER doctor locking to get back at an ex-wife.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

The Girl with the Doyle Tattoo

Jake wants to sexy up the GTO to his level. After adding the neon lights under the chassis, the chain link borders on the license plates, and a couple of sweet "no fear" decals, he finds the GTO still in need of a special touch. Jake blows the season 3 budget on getting the rear-end extended and fitted with a custom hot-tub for all the ladies.

Finally satisfied that the GTO is now a beast, Jake takes it for a spin, and is happy to discover that every time he stops or turns suddenly, water pours into the front, soaking his shirt. An impromptu car chase ensues with a randomly chosen car. Jake then heads over to the Tim's under the 'stab headquarters, so the hot cop can be distracted by his abs as he takes a soak in the parking lot.

All is going according to plan, and even though the hot cop hasn't shown up for a double double, Jake has managed to snag a few soccer moms into the tub. Things suddenly turn nasty when the Tim's staff attempt to kick Jake out for eating a slice of Stogger's pizza in their parking lot without purchasing anything from Tim's. Jake has no money after the expense of the tub, and is in a bind, until the hot cop shows up to save the day. She then climbs in the tub, and removes her shirt to reveal a new tattoo of Jake's abs.

How crowded will the GTO tub get? Is the hot cop's tattoo too much commitment for Jake? Will Jake eventually become a human raisin? Jake takes off to see if he can get a non-meter spot outside the hot lawyer's office, and plans how to blow season 4's budget: the full body anti-raisin procedure all the Holywood types get done.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Babysitter's Doyle

After Jake starts seeing his name pops up in vandalised books all over the city (yes, apparently he CAN read) Mal decides to figure out what all the nonsense is about. Most of the vandalism involves things like "Jake Doyle is so dreamy", and "Mrs. Jake Doyle", and "We Beliebe in Jake Doyle". 

The investigation leads Mal to an illegal, underground high school babysitter's club. In order to infiltrate the club, Mal sends Tinny in undercover to collect more evidence. Tinny discovers that Jake has been spending his afternoons hanging around the back lot of Holy Heart High School, selling smokes to teenage girls in order to supplement his paltry private detective's income. Mal decides it's their most sustainable business venture and lets Jake continue with his backdoor dealings.

The episode stars 4 teenaged girls, all named Dakota.

Tree of Doyle

Jake's GTO pursues a car through downtown St. John's.

Sir Humphrey Gilbert claims Newfoundland for the British.

A seal eats a cod.  The seal is then pursued by a killer whale.  An iceberg founders as the whale passes.

Jake, as a little boy, is first told about private detecting by Mal.

Apparitions of all of Jake's past collars emerge from the fog as he exits his car on Signal Hill.  Together they walk towards Cabot Tower.

The world ends with an explosion of light and happiness.

The Democratic People's Republic of Doyle

(new season, new show name)

For the season premiere, Doyle enlists some big time star power from Australia: the Wiggles!

The popular children's group took a wrong turn on their North American tour while Henry the Octopus
was at the wheel. Now the group is just grateful not having to sleep in the van again.
The Wiggles are to play modern day, Townie incarnations of Robin Hood and his Merry Men. Despite their colourful turtlenecks, they look cold and lost, constantly complaining about the weather everyday the show isn't shooting. They are a bit of a downer, so Jake finds an excuse to stick them back in their van for the rest of the episode.

Jake, who has recently taken to wearing pantsuits to go with his shades and kidnapping movie directors to find out how to make a better show, has a vision of his own death. He sees the hundreds of thousands of bawling Newfies at his funeral.

Jake knows what he must do. He wanders into the Confederation Building, and says to no one in particular: "Alright b'ys, dis is a coupe. Dis is a coo. I'm taking over now!" There is a loud thud, and a relieved-looking Premier Dunderdale flies out the door.

Jake's approval ratings hover at 98% until he realizes his inspired vision: he brings the Newfie bullet back to Newfoundland, so he can have somewhere romantic to die; he builds a heavily fortified zone between Sin Jawns and the Pearl; the cod return to the music of the Wiggles; Europeans begin buying up seal pelts in some hair-brained scheme to fix their debt problems; and Danny Williams slinks out of the province, wondering how he ever dared to be king while a Doyle was around.
The United States government has no choice but to include the D.P.R.D. among the axis of sexy.

Jake realizes he needs to continue the Doyle line, and Des is clearly not dictator material. Jake starts impregnating the ladies of the land, so he'll have all kinds of choice for his heir.

Will Jake find a suitable heir? Will Labrador forge a different path from the Democratic People's Republic of Doyle? Will the Wiggles ever find their way home? Marine Atlantic has the answers. Please stay on the line, your call is important to them.


While out talking to another PI firm Jake encounters a recent college grad, Paul Murphy, who seems to have a different, yet insightful, take on the private detecting industry.  Without consulting Mal or the Doyles, Jake hires this young'un and asks him to help them re-imagine how they go about private detecting.  As Jake has always known, with their small budget they will have to do more with less and find value where others aren't looking.

Of course, it's not long before Jake experiences some reluctance on the part of the other Doyles to accept the approach suggested by this new member of the Doyle team.

What Paul sees is that fighting crime is all about the numbers.  He suggests a few crime hotspots for Jake to stake out and just wait for crimes to happen.

Before anyone, particularly the RNC, knows what's happening Jake and the rest of the Doyle's are foiling most of St. John's crimes before they are even happening.  Of course, the Doyles soon realize that if they keep foiling crimes before they are committed that there will be no one to hire them to solve crimes.

The Doyles and the RNC realize that Paul Murphy must go if they are to keep their jobs and livelihoods.  With Leslie acting as a conduit a scheme is hatched to plant evidence on Paul and then promise him that unless he leaves the province for good he will end up on jail.  Problem solved.

Doyle and Prejudice

Jake falls in love with a beautiful women named Elizabeth but after their first encounter, she believes him to be a selfish, arrogant good-for-nothing. Jake has never met a woman that he couldn't seduce and is up for the challenge, willing to do whatever necessary to win Elizabeth over.

Jake starts behaving like a perfect gentleman, and over time, Elizabeth becomes more affectionate towards him. Realising that Elizabeth's friends are trying to persuade her to stay away from him, Jake decides he needs to take drastic measures to seal the deal. He takes off his shirt and Elizabeth ultimately surrenders to love. 

The next morning, Jake sneaks out to bang Leslie, or... the brunette one... I can't remember her name.

The Doyle of the Baskervilles

After seeing a glowing trike drive through the wilds of da Goulds a number of concerned citizens approach the Doyles with the case.  The Gouldians are worried about the safety of their kids as they head out for a nice summertime game of Spotlight with the haunted trike on the go.

Though he's had his run a few of them b'ys from the Goulds, for the sake of the children Jake convinces Mal that they should look into this strange and mechanized haunting.

Though their first investigative gambit, to slip Des and Tinny in as local spotlight playing youths, fails after some digging the Doyles discover that a local developer is trying to convert the now haunted land into St. John's newest subdivision, the rather haughtily named The Baskervilles.  After a night staking out the relevant land the Doyles learn that the the glowing old reconditioned trike is being driven by the developer's son and that the 'haunting' was to try to encourage the locals to sell their land at cheaper rates to allow them more profit.  When the news hits the paper the whole deal falls apart and the Doyles have a party thrown in their honour at the local community centre.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Calender Doyles

The private detecting business has been slow and the Doyles realize that they need to make some quick cash if they want to stay solvent.  After Mal vetoes Tinny's suggestion to grow a few kilos of pot, Jake suggests that they create a nude fundraising calendar with the ladies and gentlemen of the Doyleaverse.

While at first everyone is a little hesitant, Rose breaks the ice by letting her hair down posing behind her phone hacking computer.  Soon enough everyone is excited about their pose and month.

After the first set of photos have been taken Jake realizes that even once they have included the underaged Tinny and Des they are still about seven months short of models for a twelve month calendar.  Jake then hires himself to find additional 'Doyles' to fill out the remaining months.  The eventually agree to call all of these new 'Doyles' confidential informants and withhold their real names from the calendar (they are hoping that no one will realize that these aren't real Doyles).

Once the calendars are printed Jake heads down to the Mall's Sunday flea market to sell them.  Upon entering the Mall Jake senses that something is amiss.  The Sunday flea market tables don't seem to be there.  So that the day is not a complete waste Jake tries to sell the calendars by going table to table in the food court.  He manages to sell four before being kicked out by mall security.

As he is being marched out of the mall by security Jake realizes that he may have to hire himself again to figure out what happened to the longstanding flea market.