Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Canadian Extreme Doyle Party

In light of the recently called election and as an hommage to the late, great Sailor White Jake decides to start the Canadian Extreme Doyle party and to hold a Doyle-off to decide the party's candidate for the party.

Not surprisingly, Jake is the first Doyle to agree to participate in the Doyle-off. Sadly, no additional Doyle's come forward to participate in the Doyle-off. Eventually Jake is able to convince Walter that he is an 'honourary Doyle' and that he too is eligible participate in the Doyle-off.

As Walter was only ever a half-hearted participant he manages to put in a relatively mediocre performance and lose the nomination battle/Doyle-off to Jake.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Employment Doyle

Jake and Mal just really want a job, any job, so that they won't need to get everyone to go on the pogey until things pick up. Will their efforts be successful? Will a crime spree hit St. John's before they before file for government assistance? Will Jake be as attractive to the ladies if he doesn't have a way of earning money?

Book Doyle

After a number of dealings with the mayor's office and various components of the justice system Jake decides that it is probably about time that he heads to the library to really figure out how a number of these things work. And, as luck would have it, Jake happens into Cecil Noseworthy as he enters the library.

With Cecil's help Jake is able to learn all kinds of things about the way that government works in Newfoundland. For instance, it seems, much to Jake's surprise, that the Mayor isn't actually in charge of the RNC and doesn't have the ability to single-handedly appoint law enforcement task forces. Even more surprising to Jake is the fact that provincial court judges aren't actually appointed to head secret inquiries into allegations of corruption at City Hall.

On his way out of the library Jake spots a poster outlining some hacking basics. It doesn't take long for Jake to realize that what Rose has been claiming as hacking skills aren't really hacking skills at all - they are just psychic powers of intuition that help further a case. Jake starts to wonder why Rose has been hiding this ability all along.

No crimes, but plenty of mysteries, are solved in this episode.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Casino Doyle

Jake and Mal hired by the ALC to investigate rumours of an underground casino. The only problem is that Jake and Mal can't figure out which underground casino they are to investigate as there are several in the downtown area. In the end Jake loses his fees by betting on black at the roulette table and is too ashamed to report back to the ALC with his findings.

Prince Edward Doyle

After becoming dissatisfied with the limited crime rate and third rate criminals in St. John's Jake and Mal decide to move their operation to the only more low-key provincial capital in the country: Charlottetown.

Not surprisingly, much of the episode is spent following Jake around as he tries to "drum up business." As expected, Jake spends most of his time talking to young women and trying to get their phone numbers.

After several weeks of waiting a client finally comes to the Doyles with a case. Someone, the client alleges, is using unlicensed versions of the Anne of Green Gables image. The client hopes that the Doyles will be able to obtain proof that the unlicensed suspect is in fact trading on the island's most famous fictional resident's image.

Sickened with the prospect of a career in policing the Anne of Green Gables image the Doyles decide to head back to St. John's, even if the low crime rate means that they will be on EI for the better part of the year.

Double, Double Doyle and Trouble

Halloween episode - Jake investigates a local witches' coven, suspected of murdering tv evangelist.

Contributed via Twitter by RalfieO

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Doyle Dozen

Malacky is wrongfully convicted of sellin' oxys and goes to the pen for a 2 year stretch. Jake, unable to see his father mistreated, enlists Rose, Des, Tinny, Walter, and Leslie and their clones to break into her majesty's pen, bust Malacky out, and hide him on Ramea until things blow over.

On the night of the escape attempt, they sneak into the cemetery next to the pen, and partially bury themselves. As the sky lightens, they all climb out of the ground, and Jake's dirty and seemingly dead dozen do a zombie march towards the gate. The terrified guards make a run for the lake, leaving the satisfied group to play a prank on the prisoners before releasing Malacky from his cell.

In order to drum up some business for the coming year, Jake also lets out 15% of the prison population, as long as they promise to go back to a life of crime. Jake admits that this move is a pretty "dirty" trick, and they all laugh heartily.

The next morning, the group discovers that Mal really does sell oxys, and Leslie has been fired from her position as a hot cop for her part in the caper. Jake observes that they didn't make a "clean" getaway after all, drawing fewer laughs, except from the clones, who are really sort of brain dead.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Cirque Doyle Soleil

Jake takes up juggling as a hobby to hone his skills juggling all his ladies, hot dates, and one night stands. Jake's idiot savant like talent for juggling soon finds him juggling lit fireworks, plates of fish and chips, and Tinny's pot plants.

Ironically, Jake's love life suffers, as his obsession with juggling intensifies. Seeking to work the ladies back into his life, Jake tries to juggle a semi-hot teacher, a hot dental hygienist, and a librarian-hot librarian, but the stunt ends only in a separated lady shoulder and a few broken lady fingers.

Despite being unable to juggle actual ladies, Jake decides to start his own circus:

"The Greatest Doyle on Earth!"

Jake's first show involves a daring tightrope walk across the narrows of St. John's harbour while juggling scratch tickets. Will Jake make it to the other side? Will he ever go back to being a PI? How long will Rose put up with being the bearded lady before smacking the face off Jake?

The show really produces more questions than answers...

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Doyle it to the Ground

Jake goes to a Conference in Montreal for "crime fighters." Jake becomes embarrassed when mainlanders make fun of his accent, and spends the rest of the episode speaking in a newscaster's dialect. Executives of the new "Fox news North" overhear Jake's perfect english, and hire him to be their lead anchor.

Jake's first broadcast starts out smoothly, but as he realizes that the news is all made up, he gets nervous and the Newfoundland accent starts coming out. As Jake uses more Newfoundland English, the Fox people get very upset, and Bill O'Reilly interrupts the broadcast to tear into Jake, who head butts O'Reilly and takes off.

The regular Fox News in the States begins reporting that the US invasion of Newfoundland is imminent, and Paul McCartney is interviewed to show the world the inhumanity of Newfoundlanders.

Jake heads back home hoping his new media connections will get him a date with Lynn Burry.

Meanwhile, polls show that while nobody knows what Newfoundland did to who, or where it is, it should be attacked immediately. American military forces begin to embark on "Operation Doyle it to the Ground." Will America attack Newfoundland? Will Jake go down hot newscaster road? Will the O'Reilly/Doyle video go viral?

Watch next week, and maybe we'll get back to it (we also have an episode where Tinny throws up on Des, so we might go with that instead).

Doyle M for Murder (II)

Jake goes undercover to investigate a murder at a local call centre.

Submitted via Twitter by @RalfieO

Doyle on the Ice, Part II: Epic Doyle Time

Jake escapes the terrifying seal skinning machine by simply getting off the conveyor belt, and showing some ID to the plant manager to prove he isn't a seal.

Everybody is happy to have Jake back, except for Des who was enjoying a moment in the spotlight. Everybody wants Jake to solve the case, but after his ordeal, Jake is starved and half-frozen.

Jake purchases a mancho to warm up, makes and eats an entire turkey dinner, drinks a 26er of rum, and goes to sleep for 5 weeks.

In Jake's absence, Des solves the case of the activists, meets Margo Huntington-Smith, and goes down hot activist road. Tinny spies on the affair, and feels a tinge of something, and realizes it must be indigestion from the turkey. Will Tinny realize her feelings for Des? Will Jake ever wake up?

Doyle on the Ice, Part 1

The Doyles investigate cases of harassment by activists during the annual seal hunt. Jake goes out on the ice to track down the activists, but the weather shifts, and Jake becomes stranded on an ice pan.

With few rations and little winter clothing, Jake wonders how he will meet any ladies on an ice pan. He chats up a few seals, but is generally rebuffed. Finally Jake's pan crosses paths with a pan holding another lost soul, sexy activist Margo Huntington-Smith, who sweet talks jake before knocking him out and stealing his leather jacket. Jake wakes up not remembering much, and wondering if he "scored."

Jake, realizing he is in real trouble, kills a large seal, and climbs inside the carcass to keep warm, where he falls asleep. When Jake wakes up, he is on a conveyor belt moving towards the terrifying seal skinning machine.

Is this the end of Doyle the PI and the start of Doyle the old lady's seal coat?

That's so Doyle

Des comes to the conclusion his work life needs to be a little more catch phrase based. To remedy this problem decides to create a catch phrase, "That's so Doyle," that he can say whenever anything amazing happens at work. Unfortunately, Des's use of this phrase, and the consequent chastising that comes from Jake, creates a slow-down of work in the office. The slow-down is so bad that the Doyles decide to forgo a case for a week and just work on getting Des to stop saying "That's so Doyle" every few minutes.

Their week of work is met with mixed results. Des no longer says "That's so Doyle," but he has started loudly proclaiming "Doyles to the rescue!" immediately after the Doyles accept new cases.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Doyle Hortons

After years of disappointing and mediocre coffee, Jake searches St. John's high and low for a good cup of coffee. Even after bringing in Mal, Rose, and Des to help Jake's search remains unsuccessful.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

The Shipping Doyles

Jake realizes that given his strong investigative skills he could probably make a pretty good reporter. Of course, because Jake has no real reporting experience he is forced to start his new career at a small paper around the bay (which turns out to be Mal's hometown). While getting acquainted with the locals Jake encounters quite a number of strange characters, including an old woman who turns out to be Jake's heretofore unknown aunt. Jake also meets a hot young mother who seems to have a thing for him.

After a few months of general reporting/detecting Jake decides that things are just a little too weird for him around the bay (and that he isn't making enough money) and that he should probably just head home and put this debacle behind him, even it means forgetting about his mysterious aunt and the hot young mother. Leslie, the hot crown prosecutor, and particularly Mal are all glad to see Jake return to St. John's.

Slaughterhouse Doyle

When the private investigating business starts to dry up in St. John's, Jake decides that it's time for him to lock down some financial security. He starts wooing some of the richest single women in the city before settling down on the wealthy heiress to the Purity empire. Unfortunately she's got the body of Kathy Bates and a face like Gary Busey. Jake manages to get away with infidelity by claiming he has cases to solve while he sneaks off for a drive down Hot Cop Road. Other nights, he lies in bed and thinks about the time he fought Nazis in Dresden.

So it goes.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Doyle, Texas Ranger

Due to Chuck Norris's untimely reaching of the mandatory retirement age, the Texas Rangers have decided to hold international auditions to replace their prized (crime) fighting machine. Upon hearing the news Jake decides that a trip to Texas is in order (getting the job would mean a better job and a better network).

Almost as soon as Jake gets to the audition he realizes that many of the Texas Ranger wannabes are serious guys with serious fighting skills. Fortunately, Jake's snappy one-liners are of unexpected value because the Texas Ranger higher ups (i.e. producers) have decided to take things in a slightly wittier, less fighty/kicky, direction.

After the completion of the auditions and the announcement that Jake is be the new Texas Ranger Norris walked away from the set and could be heard muttering "Chuck Norris invented Jake Doyle and his father Malachy." Norris followed this up with the slightly more melancholic "Chuck Norris invented drinking to help old guys forget how old and useless they really are."

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Doyle to the wire

The Backstreet Doyles pitch was victorious in our most recent poll. The other four pitches seemed to have pretty even support.

As with past polls winners, Backstreet Doyles has received a little special treatment on the visual front. Enjoy.

The Adventures of Doyle, Queen of the Desert

While on a safari Jake has to go undercover as a drag queen to figure out who is sabotaging his tour group's visits to animal habitats by killing all of the animals. In this exciting episode filled with heroism, extra-large bottles of mascara, and knee-high stockings Jake somes to appreciate his Mount Pearl Curl in a way that the style hadn't been appreciated since the days of the Sprung Greenhouse. Oh, and it turns out that Jake develops something of a taste for tiger steaks.

The Handmaid's Doyle

Jake, after a particularly fortuitous night at the Duke, 'befriends' a maid at a fancy hotel. Not long after meeting Jake, Trisha, the maid, knowing his line of business comes to Jake with a set of unproven suspicions about guests from a particular company. Jake and Trisha soon realize that the only way that Jake will really be able to properly investigate the case is to have Jake take a job on the housekeeping crew.

Not surprisingly, the case turns out to be bigger than expected and Trisha turns out to be something other than she appeared to be. When all is said and done the Doyles figure out that the housekeepers were providing prostitution services and being 'managed' by a company that would book rooms throughout the hotel for them to 'use.' The housekeepers, in an attempt to break free of their 'management company,' were trying to get Jake to uncover some of the company's illegal actions and then have them reported to the police so that they would be free to work for themselves. Of course, once Jake realizes that Trisha will never really love him he decides to blow everything wide open, an act that had the side-benefit of further ingratiating himself to both Leslie and the hot crown prosecutor.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Run on Doyle

Shortly after receiving a tip about the location of reward-bearing suspect Jake and Mal jump into Jake's mint blue GTO and head for Blackhead, the supposed location of the wanted criminal, though before they are able to head out they run into Des and Tinny and encourage them to some background checks on the perp in question, a task assignment that allows them to head out, hopefully uninterrupted, for a few hours while they try to apprehend the wanted to-be convicted felon, though, of course, before they are able to capture the accused law breaker they have to engage in a high-speed car chase through Blackhead and Shea Heights.

IT Doyle

For the first time in years the Doyles have a computer heavy case. At first Mal and Jake are at a loss, they have no idea how to procede. Fortunately Mal remembers Rose suggesting that she knew how to use a computer. After passing everything off to Rose and telling her to "wrap it up by 5:00" the boys head down stairs for a few pints and an early lunch.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

The Manchurian Doyle

In order to win back Leslie after the evidence room debacle, Jake decides that Leslie is attracted to men with power, and that he should run for mayor of St. John's.

In order to increase his visibility, Jake insists that from now on the media must refer to the cases he works as "Doyle Cases," and any general police work as "Doyleology." Unfortunately, Jake has a string of cases that he can't seem to solve, and since his name is always attached with these failures, his popularity plummets. Since Jake lacks the votes needed, he asks if he can be "minority mayor of St. John's," forcing council to explain that, "we don't really do that..."

Jake realizes that maybe the best public service he can perform is to be there for the ladies... and solve crimes. Working on these strengths, Jake fights his way back into contention. While Leslie seems non-committal, the hot prosecutor likes the idea of Jake being mayor, leading to renewed jealousy between the two. Is Jake about to become mayor, and will he rename all streets "hot cop road" or "hot prosecutor road?"

At the last moment, Jake is disqualified, because he is not originally from St. John's. His name is moved over to the only other ballot he is eligible for, and he becomes mayor of his birthplace, Doyle Island. Upon hearing the news, Jake....

To be continued...

Cider House Doyles

It turns out that the Doyle's private detecting business was just a front and a distraction from their real activities. All along the Doyles have really been running a illegal abortion clinic (which explains why Jake went to medical school a few episodes ago).

Doyle in Charge

Rose and Mal go on a belated honeymoon leaving Jake in charge of the private detecting business, making sure Christian doesn't relapse, and the management/care of Tinny and Des. To manage these responsibilities to their fullest Jake decides to move back into the Doyle family home for the period of Mal and Rose's absence. In a somewhat creepy move, Jake decides that he will use Mal and Rose's room as his own during his stay.

Almost immediately Jake faces power struggles as Tinny and Des push challenge the newly imposed chain of command. Jake is able to win their loyalty by giving them important roles in the firms current case, an investigation into the proper treatment of teen drug addicts at the children's hospital. Sadly, this drug connection bring Christian into contact with addiction and drug culture and forces a relapse.

Jake's life just keeps getting more complicated. Before Mal and Rose's return he somehow has to solve the mystery and figure out why things are going well for the teens in question and find a way to break Christian of his addiction and remove traces of his relapse. Talk about a less than relaxing week at the top.

When Mal and Rose finally make it back Jake is pleased to relinquish his claim to the top spot in the Doyle hierarchy.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Planes, Trains, and Doyles

The Doyles, hired to track down a missing suspect awaiting trial, are forced to make use of a number of means of transportion to track down their quarry. After using cars, float planes, snowmobiles, bikes, and horse-drawn carriages, the episode reaches its climax with the Doyles and the escapee fighting while riding the Trinity Loop train.

Terminator 2: Judgement Doyle

Des has now been employed by the Doyles for about two years and is up for one final review before being made a permanent member of the staff. Mal has assigned Jake to trail Des during his first completely independent assignment. The case Des is assigned first appears to be a relatively straightforward adultery surveillance job but then morphs into a full-blown human-trafficking ring with ties to key political figures. Given unexpected complexity of the case the Doyles jump in and defer Des's final review until they can find a case more befitting his stature and level of experience.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Doyle Hood

Leslie calls Jake and asks for his help on a case. Jake is with the hot prosecutor, but drops her to go flirt with Leslie. Jake and Leslie get caught up in a moment of passion, and Jake finds himself on hot cop road in the RNC evidence room.

Leslie leaves first to avoid suspicion from her colleagues, and Jake is alone with a ton of drugs, money, and guns. Jake decides that this stuff could really help the needy of St. John's, and sneaks out with a carload of evidence.

Jake heads over to the Salvation Army, where he hands out oxy to those without, revolvers to the hungry, and money to the rich businessmen volunteering there who don't really need it all. Jake heads back to meet Leslie proud of his humanitarian work. The RNC is abuzz over the evidence room theft, drug-related crimes are spiking across the city, and everyone is looking for Jake.

Jake grows a mullet to hide his identity, and meets Pinsent's strongman, ex-con Alan Doyle, who, despite his efforts to act like an ex-con, can't break out of his Robin Hood character Alan-a-Dayle.
Jake and Alan go into hiding in the woods, and Jake tries to help Alan regain his identity as frontman of Great Big Sea, but a-Dayle is not impressed with he "Oh yeah!" theme song.

Russell Crowe is angry that Jake has been impersonating him by taking from the rich and giving to the poor. Crowe and the RNC find Jake and Allan in the woods. The chase ends with an epic battle on Middle Cove beach between Jake and Allan and the needy of St. John's (there to protect their hero Jake), and Russell Crowe, the RNC, and the jilted hot prosecutor, with Leslie caught in the middle. Ridley Scott shows up with a video camera, so he can post the video on youtube.

Will Jake survive Crowe's wrath? Will Jake get another chance with Leslie or the hot prosecutor? There's no telling, as the show's producers didn't intend for the involvement of Crowe or Scott, or the battle on the beach, and are terrified of the cost overruns. The show's only hope now is that Scott's video takes home the Oscar for the category of "best youtube video of a TV drama impersonating a feature length film" and that Allan Hawco take home the oscar for "best abs."

Doyle Hard with a Vengeance

On a nice summer's day Jake gets a call from the RNC requesting that he head down to HQ for an important meeting. At the meeting Leslie informs Jake that an unnamed caller has threatened to blow up a school if Jake doesn't go to Shea Heights wearing a sandwich board that says "I Hate Skeets." Although Jake is somewhat apprehensive about such an undertaking he realizes that the lives of all of those summer school kids are likely collectively more valuable than his own life.

Not long after escaping from a shower of glass bottles in Shea Heights Jake is thrust into a series of life-or-death challenges, all the while not really knowing why he seems to be the target of an evil plot.

After several hours of gruelling and dangerous tasks (all just to save a few future dropouts) Jake starts to wonder what is going on. Fortunately for Jake, he soon figures out that this all ties into the case he solved in Doyle Hard and that this isn't just a crazy masochist, but likely an elaborate drug heist perpetrated by the brother of his one-time foe. And it turns out Jake's hunch is right. As soon as the cops were notified of the school threat they moved all of their people to schools and away from monitoring the hospitals and methadone programs. All of the prescription drugs in St. John's were unguarded and practically free for the taking.

Fortunately Jake is able to make the RNC aware of the plan early enough so that they are able to halt many of the dozens of pharmacy robberies that are going on around the city. Due to his quick thinking Jake is able to keep hundreds of kilos of pure Oxy off of the streets and out of the hands of unsuspecting young children.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Eyes Wide Doyle

Jake realizes that more than anything he wants to be a member of a secret sex club. Sadly, as hard as Jake tries he just can't find such a club in St. John's. With Des's help Jake decides to once and for all find a club and have them make him a member.

Eventually Jake gets a good lead and ventures out to a large house in St. Philips. After managing to talk his way through the guards at the front door Jake is able to enter the more sinful parts of the house. Everything is going very well until Jake notices a puff of strangely familiar red hair. It doesn't take long to figure out that it is Rose's hair that he can see that that likely means his father is nearby. As Jake is heading for the exit Mal and Rose look up and see Jake leaving.

When everyone is back at work the next day they pretend as though nothing happened and Jake realizes that he is no longer interested in joining a secret sex club.

Sex in the Doyle 2

Walter is to be honoured by the legal profession in Ottawa and invites Jake to tag along as his +1. Jake, seeing it as a way to get in tight with the hot crown prosecutor, decides to tag along. Just before the dinner another of the honoured guest turns up dead. As all of the lawyers want to avoid being suspects in a murder case Jake is asked to step in and see if he can find the culprit before matters are handed over to the police. The climax scene involves an on-skates chase on the Rideau Canal.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Doyle it to the Next Level

In the final chapter of this 3-part epic: (See: Doyle it Back a Little, and Doyle it Down, will ya?) the crime rate in Newfoundland is not high enough to require the services of the RCMP, the 'stab, and a PI team.

Lacking cases, Jake, rather than being satisfied that crime is low, starts a number of crime sprees to show that he is needed, then begins investigating himself when he is hired to track down who is behind his crime sprees. Jake tracks himself down to his secret lair above the Duke, and finds the plans, diagrams, and maps of his own schemes. Excited, Jake arrests himself...

Leslie drops by to share some sexual tension with Jake, only to find him in handcuffs, and evidence of his crime spree all over the apartment. Leslie has no choice but to arrest Jake, and he once again becomes the laughing stock of the police and lawyers of St. John's.

The judge, in recognition of his past services to the city, does not send him to the pen. Jake moves to Toronto where the crime rate is higher, so he can once again work as a PI. Jakes arrives in Toronto to discover everyone wears a leather jacket and sunglasses, and he doesn't stand out at all, despite his efforts to find the blackest leather jackets and darkest shades. Can Jake make it as a PI in Toronto, or will he have to get a job in a beer factory? Will he ever make it back to Newfoundland?

The ladies of St. John's miss Jake terribly, and begin crime sprees all over the city in order to bring the native son home. Jake returns to St. John's, now known as "St. Detroit," happily seduces more local ladies, and fights the crimes they commit to provide work for him.

A Baker's Doyle

Soon after a doughnut shop proprietor notices that many of his patrons are gaining weight at a rather alarming rate he hires Jake and Mal to figure out who is adding a fattening contaminant to his products. We see plenty of Leslie as she turns up at each doughnut shops that Jake and Mal stake-out.

Doyle Runner

After years of flawless detecting Jake starts to get the sense that something is amiss. Jake is just too good at his job to be a normal human being. This flawless detecting coupled with his longstanding inability to cry lead Jake to believe that he may in fact be a replicant sent to St. John's to fight crime. To ferret out the truth Jake decides to run a few questions past Mal. Mal is awfully elusive when it comes to details about Jake's birth and time in the womb. Maybe Jake is a replicant? Is it really fair to the criminals of St. John's that they are up against a replicant instead of just an normal, falible police officer?

Our most important right is our right to Doyle

It's that time of the week again! We've picked four of the most popular pitches for your voting pleasure in our weekly poll. The winner will either get the full YouTube treatment or a movie poster (depending on how motivated our "Photoshop Wizard" is feeling this week). And the nominees are...

Legends of the Doyle
Disillusioned by the seedy side of St. John's, Mal moves Jake and Christian to Bay Bulls where they can be free and run tours. Des, who is like a son since Tinny's death from tuberculosis, come to live with them and bring gorgeous MUN grad girlfriend Sooze. Des, Jake, and Christian go to Afghanistan where Des dies. Years later, Jake becomes a town councillor and marries Sooze, while Christian goes walkabout. Christian gets killed by a moose.

127 Doyles
In the midst of the confusion of a large Doyle family reunion someone absconds with the roast pig. Immediately the Doyle family jumps into actions and begins investigating the theft. Several different groups of Doyles are followed, which allows different detecting styles to be highlighted. As usual, Jake and Mal take a Jake getting punched in the face approach, Faustus employs some of the mysticism of the East, while Mal's brother Jimmy reverts to his backwoods stylings. All the while the Green Bay Doyles just look on and laugh (they have already consumed the missing pig).

The Last of the Doyles
Jake goes for a routine medical exam, and discovers his "little Doyles don't work." The Doyle family decides to prank Jake, each member claiming that they are either impotent, can't bear children, or are gay, leading Jake to believe he is the last of the Doyles.

Jake is distraught that such a fine people will soon die out, and donates himself to science to find the secret to immortality, so nobody has to live in a world without Doyles. Scientists discover a way to cryogenically freeze Jake, so that he will live forever in suspended animation. Jake has one last shag with Leslie. The doctors freeze Jake, and build a grand mausoleum for him in Bannerman Park where everyone can enjoy him.

Leslie is shocked to discover she is with child. Is Jake really the father, and can the immortality process be reversed? This sounds like a job for Jakes' time machine. Or a nuclear reactor. Or a trip to the Sun. Or a secret antidote. Or a trip to the Earth's core. Or the miracle of Leslie's touch. Or whatever they did to Han Solo in Star Wars. The cryogenic freezing doesn't actually stand much of a chance.

The Doyle in the Iron Mask
Jake discovers there is a new, more successful, more handsome PI in St. John's. Jake uses his years as a blacksmith apprentice to make an iron mask for the gentleman. Jake then has Leslie arrest him on a false charge, and bribes the guards at the pen to keep the mask on the man, so that the ladies may never set their eyes on him.

His position once again secure, Jake goes about detecting with gusto, and while examining a metal pail for clues, gets his head stuck in the bucket. Jake is really stuck, but manages to make the best of it, getting custom sunglasses for the bucket.

Jake is better protected from the hits to the head he frequently gets, and uses the bucket to gain sympathy with the Florence Nightingale types, increasing his success with the ladies. Will Jake ever get the bucket off his head? Will St. John's ever find out about the PI in the iron mask? Yes and no (suspense is not the show's strong suit).

Backstreet Doyles
In order to endear themselves to a new generation of St. John's ladies Jake and Christian decide to start St. John's first boy band. To fill out their numbers they convince Mal and Walter to join. Unfortunately for the boys, Mal's tendency to harmonize makes them sound a little more barbershop than the ladies find attractive. On the up side, the Backstreet Doyles are able to secure a regular booking down the the Hoyles Escasoni.

The results of our latest Doyle

As you can see, the RoboDoyle pitch was victorious in our most recent poll. It should be noted that the Trouble with Doyle fought hard and came within a vote of tying RoboDoyle.

As with past polls winners, RoboDoyle has received a little special treatment on the visual front. Enjoy.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Last of the Doyles

Jake goes for a routine medical exam, and discovers his "little Doyles don't work." The Doyle family decides to prank Jake, each member claiming that they are either impotent, can't bear children, or are gay, leading Jake to believe he is the last of the Doyles.

Jake is distraught that such a fine people will soon die out, and donates himself to science to find the secret to immortality, so nobody has to live in a world without Doyles. Scientists discover a way to cryogenically freeze Jake, so that he will live forever in suspended animation. Jake has one last shag with Leslie. The doctors freeze Jake, and build a grand mausoleum for him in Bannerman Park where everyone can enjoy him.

Leslie is shocked to discover she is with child. Is Jake really the father, and can the immortality process be reversed? This sounds like a job for Jakes' time machine. Or a nuclear reactor. Or a trip to the Sun. Or a secret antidote. Or a trip to the Earth's core. Or the miracle of Leslie's touch. Or whatever they did to Han Solo in Star Wars. The cryogenic freezing doesn't actually stand much of a chance.

Waiting for Doyle

A prospective client arranges to meet Jake at bench overlooking Quidi Vidi Lake. The prospective client, accompanied by his man servant, pontificates on life while waiting for Jake to arrive. When the episode ends Jake still hasn't arrived.

The Kandy-Kolored Tangerine-Flake Streamline Doyle

Jake, tiring of his Mount Pearl curl and leather jacket, decides to update his look. After tossing his wardrobe and heading down to the thrift shop to pick up some hipster-approved duds, Jake makes his way to the most expensive salon in St. John's.

Once Jake is in the hairdresser's chair he realizes that he has gotten in a little over his head, there is no way that he can afford such an expensive haircut. Of course, he also isn't interested in losing face by getting up before the styling session starts. Jake reaches a compromise with himself, he will just stick to the cheapest dye-job possible.

It turns out that the only colour in the lowest price bracket is bright orange, and Jake has no choice but to accept this gut-turning abomination of a colour (at least he won't have to see it).

The upside is that because of all of the time and effort Jake spent updating his image there isn't enough time for a mystery this week.

Steal This Doyle

On the local news, as a publicity stunt for their firm, Jakes makes the claim that if any of his family members are kidnapped he and Mal will be able to track them down and return them to safety within 72 hours. Of course, a few of the b'ys around the bay decide to take Jake up on this offer, only they decide to kidnap Jake instead of Christian or Rose.

All of a sudden Mal and the rest of the Doyles (plus Des) are thrust into a high stakes game of detecting as the kidnappers have threatened to kill Jake if he isn't located within the 72 hour window.

Will Jake be found before it is too late? Will the Doyles decide that the insurance money is more valuable to them than Jake? Tune in to find out answers to these questions and many more!

The Saga of Jake the Lucky

Jake hears rumours of a large landmass called "the old world" somewhere to the east of Newfoundland, with lands closer to the northeast. Jake decides he would like to be the first to discover these lands, and claim them for Newfoundland. Jake purchases a vessel, and enlists Mal, Des, Walter, and Tinny as his crew.

Jake spends his time on deck drinking pina coladas and "working on his abs," much to the irritation of the rest of the crew. They sail northwest and discover a giant glacier, and decide to call it IcecubeLand, least anybody get any ideas about trying to settle there. They continue sailing east and discover a smaller island, and after interacting with the natives, decide to call it Debtland, and decline to claim it for Newfoundland, as it would bankrupt the budding empire. They sail southeast for several more days, braving the elements, and Jake solves the crime of who threw his sunglasses overboard (they were all in on it).

Finally, their little vessel, Hot Cop, reaches a green landmass, and Jake claims it for the Republic of Newfoundland. Jake is shocked to discover these people look exactly like many Newfoundlanders, and in fact there are many Doyles among these people. Jake dubs the land DoyleLand, and marvels that so far from home in these exotic lands there are people just like them. Jake reasons there must be Doyles all over the world, and while filled with pride, is saddened that he is not as unique as he thought.

Jake falls into an existential depression. To make himself feel better, Jake sleeps with a number of these hot Doylelandites, and earns the nickname "Jake the Lucky." The men of the land become jealous, and banish the crew from the land. Will the intrepid explorers escape from Doyleland, and can they make it back to Newfoundland?