Monday, November 4, 2013

2001: A Jake Odyssey

It's that time in Jake's relationship cycle when all the hot ladies from town are right rotted at him. Jake decides it's time to get out of town for a bit and find some hot bay lady action. Jake checks his map for all the retirement homes (since all the hot ladies around the bay are pushing 70), packs up the GTO with condoms and polident, and hits the road.

Gas is pretty expensive these days, so Jake only makes it as far as Mount Pearl and figures it's far enough, even though a full 14% of his hot lady from town action is actually commuters from the Pearl. Jake spots a few Mount Pearl Curls heading into the Glacier and decides to investigate. The Glacier is hosting a traditional Newfoundland music night featuring a chin music competition, and more importantly, is packed with hot Pearly-ites. Jake decides to enter the competition to impress these bedroom community foxes. When Jake attempts to sing nonsense syllables from his throat, his abs break into song!

Jake's abs sing opera in the most beautiful pure falsetto, breaking hearts and glasses all over the glacier. Soon Jake is discovered by the opera crowd and whisked off to perform in the opera houses of Budapest, Vienna, and Paris. Jake becomes famous and gets all kinds of hot foreign lady action causing mass protests among the foreign fellas.

Meanwhile, under the Franco-Swiss border, the Large Hadron Collider has gained sentience. The fellas in long white coats are baffled as to how this happened, and concerned that the personality of the LHC tends towards the morose with occasional bouts of violence. Jake is called away from the opera circuit to deal with the situation, and is delighted to have a case again, but unsure how he can help with his D in grade 11 physics.

Jake ventures into the depths of Swiss rock alone to discover that the Large Hadron Collider has taken on the personality of a hot lady, and the world is in peril until she finds some love and attention (special guest star voice: Mary Walsh doing her sexiest Marg Delahunty).

Will Jake ever return to solving petty crimes and hitting on ladies from town? Will Jake and his singing abs save the universe? Will Switzerland survive the tremors if Jake finds the G-spot? If the CBC sensors make the outcome vague, the particle collider porn the scientists are filming should clear things right up.

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