Monday, January 30, 2012

Prometheus Doyle

After a glowing write-up by John Doyle in the Globe and Mail that praised the Republic of Doyle for being authentically Newfoundland, the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission (CRTC) reads the article and cries, "bullshit!/les conneries!"

The CRTC hires the Doyles to get to the bottom of why there is no actual Newfoundland content in the Republic of Doyle. Jake doesn't see their point given that the show has pretty shots of colourful houses in downtown Sin Jawns and plenty of tourist-friendly weather, but the CRTC mistook him for Don Cherry and are paying good money.

Jake investigates outside downtown Sin Jawns to see what he's missing. There seem to be a lot of houses that all look the same and big box stores. Jake realizes that these places and people are integral to the culture of authentic Newfoundland. Jake writes a comedy of errors episode where Jake and Mal keep walking into the wrong houses, so hilarity would ensue. Jake has another idea for an episode where the big box stores have mysteriously disappeared, and been replaced by an old church and a string of colourful houses. Then Jake and Mal would have to sneak around somewhere dark with flashlights like the X-Files!

Then Jake visits outport Newfoundland to see what else he's missing. He discovers that around the bay no one has GTOs, shades, or leather jackets. In order for Newfoundland to better reflect the ROD, Jake steals cars, sun glasses, and sexy jackets, and distributes them to the bay men and the bay ladies.

The CRTC catch wind of Jake's plan, and do some more bilingual swearing. The CRTC then send CSIS to catch Jake, who punish him most cruelly. CSIS chains Jake to the base of Signal Hill. Each day dirty harbour sea gulls rip Jakes' abs off, and every night his abs grow back, while the thankful bay crowd move to the Pearl to be closer to a Walmart.

Will Republic of Doyle ever get some Newfoundland content? Will the lady that played Scully make a guest appearance? Will the seagulls that feed on Jake's abs become super mutants? The CRTC knows, but can't release the report until its been translated into French.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

The Globe and Doyle

After a glowing write-up by John Doyle (nepotism?) in the Globe and Mail that praised Jake's slagging abilities and the inherent beauty of St. John's Jake and Mal decide to really dial it up and do nothing but play to their strengths.  Jake convinces Mal that the best way to do this is an episode-long chase that takes the film crew through metro St. John's most scenic areas.  While the chase is on-going Jake and Mal engage in witty banter about the progress of the chase.  When they run out of time they apprehend the suspect and hand him over to Leslie and a few other lady hotties at the RNC.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

That 70's Doyle

In this flashback episode we see Mal as he works his first few shifts as a newly minted member of the RNC.  Given that it's a widely known fact that not much was on the go in St. John's in the seventies there weren't too many mysteries for Mal to solve.  Most of the time he just walked between Murray Premises and Arcade, occasionally making his way down as far as the Ship Inn or up to the Cap'ns Quarters.

L.L. Doyle

Given the popularity of catalogue shopping in outport Newfoundland the Doyle's decide to launch their own annual catalogue to try to sell their detecting services to the rest of the province. $50 for an hour of surveillance from Des.  $150 for 30 minutes of surveillance with Mal and Jake and the van.

Once the Doyles start working outside the catchment zone of the RNC they run afoul of the RCMP.  And it turns out that the RCMP aren't nearly so willing to look the other way while the Doyle's break countless laws.  Soon enough the entire clan is in jail, excepting Tinny, is in jail.

Though they tell Tinny to get their bail money from their special contingency fund she has her own ideas about how to raise the money...

Oedipus Doyle

In this exciting follow up to The Royal Doyles, when Jake sees Malachy's ripped abs, Jake loses it. In his jealous rage, Jake transforms into a 5 foot 8 tyrannosaurus rex and rips out Mal's abs, so he may never be buff again. At that moment, Mal's wife is brought into 'stab headquarters
on suspicion of public intoxication. A horny Tyrannosaurus Doyle begins to make his move...

Cue theme song: "Oh yeah!"

The 'stab headquarters have been reduced to quite a state. Mal is on the floor bleeding, his wife is having a smoke, the hot cop is hitting on Tyrannosaurus Jake, one officer is throwing cheeseburgers in his mouth, while another patiently explains that they can't lock up all the white-collar criminals, because that treatment is only for blue collar criminals.

In his own personal heaven, Tyrannosaurus Jake doesn't care about the white collar criminal conspiracy anymore, but promises to eat as many of them as can on his way home. Tyrannosaurus Jake jumps into the GTO and picks up some ladies for a GTO hot tub party.

Unfortunately, the Sin Jawns crowd is not used to having a below average height T. Rex sauntering down Water Street in leather jacket and shades. Panic ensues, and the terrified mob becomes angry and begins looting. T. Rex Jake regretfully realizes he may have to reassume his role as a PI... and a human. Jake just hopes that the mob is dumb enough to video itself in broad daylight while they loot and pillage.

Will Malachy ever be buff again? Will any ladies in Sin Jawns settle for anything less than a dinosaur now? Will the Sin Jawns mob also prosecute itself in addition to providing evidence against? Find out next time, when Jake steals fire from the Gods and gives it to the Newfies.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

The Royal Doyles

The Royal Newfoundland 'Stab have a problem: they suspect that with all the oil money in the city, white collar crime is way up in Sin Jawns, but they are having no success tracking these crimes. They decide to hire consultants to find out more.

Due to Department budget cuts, the RNC have to hire the Doyles, even though Jake once stole drugs from the evidence room, broke someone out of the pen, has obstructed countless RNC investigations with incompetence, is believed to be the alter ego for the obnoxious Sin Jawns superhero "the Dark Foreigner", and all the lady cops either have a pending sexual harassment suit against Jake, or they are the mother of one his illegitimate children, or both.

Jake is determined to win back the confidence of the RNC, and avoid paying child support on 32 little Doyle bastards, who, as Doyles, can make their own way in the world anyway. Jake begins a surveillance program on all those men he sees wearing white collars. Jake finds them wandering around in big box stores looking lost, clearly high on some controlled substances. He peaks into living room windows and finds them staring at big screen TVs blankly. They are in office buildings talking on phones and sneaking off for coffee. Jake is convinced he's on to something big, something huge, and every man in a suit in the metropolis in on it. But what are they up to?

Jake tunes into the show Mad Men for insight, and finds that all men in suits are booze hounds. Jake therefore suspects a liquor smuggling ring of epic proportions, but discovers they've already done an episode about smuggling, and so he dismisses it, as clearly they've solved that problem.

Jake recommends to the RNC that they arrest all men in suits, collared shirts, or polo shirts of a white, cream, or off-white description, and hold them on loitering charges in hopes that one will fold under questioning, and turn state's evidence. The RNC remind Jake that Newfoundland is not a state, so that expression really doesn't apply. Malaki quickly removes his collared shirt, revealing better abs than Jake, who in an Oedipean rage, attacks Malaki.

Are all men in Sin Jawns about to go to the lockup? Will Malaki survive Oedipus Doyle? Does off-white really count as white? The RNC have paid the consultant's fee, but they would really rather not share the report with anyone at this time.

The Hotel New Doyle

The Doyle's decide to give the whole detecting game a rest and, as a family, transition into the hospitality business with the acquisition of a small inn on Fogo.  The inn, a converted fish processing plant, turns out to be a bit more of a challenge to run than the Doyle's expected, and the local kid who dresses up as a bear and pretends to haunt the place isn't helping.

It doesn't take Jake long to get tired of driving the GTO back and forth between Joe Bat's Arm and Stag Harbour.  With Walter's help Jake arranges a buyer for the building and convinces everyone they would be better off back in St. John's.

Soon enough everyone is back to their old lives in St. John's and the whole hotel incident seems like nothing more than a distant dream.  Of course, the only remnant of the hotel experience still in their lives is the kid in the bear suit, he was just too cute to leave behind.

The show resets as the Doyles go for drinks at the Duke and agree to return to their old private detecting lives.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Doyle

A refined Southern gentleman was found passed out in a snowbank just off of George Street.  When he came to in the lock-up the only name he could remember was Malachy Doyle.

When Mal finally reached the lock-up he was surprised to see a complete stranger.  He couldn't help but wonder why this man's post-drunken stupor memory was his name.  But being the nice guy that he is, Mal agreed to sign the guy out of the lock-up and promised to keep an eye on him until he regained his sense of self.

Rose, being the great host that she is, immediately set to making their mystery man at home in the Doyle residence.  Of course Tinny was busy being a brat but everyone did their best to ignore this.

After a few hours the man had regained enough of his senses to recount his story.  He remembered that his name was Harlan T. Jefferson and that he was in town on oil business.  He also remembered that his wife had given him Malachy's name and told him that if was ever in St. John's and needed help he should feel free to contact his long-lost cousin Malachy Doyle.

Jake, instead of accepting this new family member with open arms, smelled a rat.  He was immediately suspicious of Harlan T. Jefferson's story, if not the man himself.

Jake soon set out to get to the bottom of Jefferson's wife's story.  Jake soon pieced together than instead of being a relative of the Doyle's she was actually a former admirer of Malachy's from his high school days.  Wanda Jefferson, nee Murphy, had never forgotten Mal and hoped that the creation of such an elaborate back-story might allow her the opportunity to open a similarly named detective agency in Montgomery, Alabama (the couple's place of residence) to cover-up the losses her hair salon had been recently experiencing.

Monday, January 16, 2012

The Men Who Stare at Doyles

Something's afoot in Pleasantville but Jake can't seem to concentrate long enough to think about it.

All of a sudden there are reports of strange spectral lights emanating from some of the old military buildings.  Birds seem to lose their bearings as they fly overhead.  And a new fence has been erected, closing off one of the old buildings.

Mal's Area 51 fascination kicks and he can't help but start poking around.  Of course Jake's inability to concentrate means he isn't of much help.

Not long after he starts poking around Mal finds that strange things are underway in the old American buildings, but he can't quite put a finger anything.

Fortunately, Mal is able to talk Des into signing up with the Canadian Forces and then take a fast-track assignment back to Pleasantville.

Des, with Mal's guidance, find that the military has been funding a secret program designed to telepathically distract targets.  Because of his general ability to muddle in areas that are none of his business, Jake has been chosen as the program's first test target.

By making their investigative findings public Mal and Des not only cause a major scandal, but bring about the fall of the Canadian government and the cancellation of the program.  Unfortunately, they also have to deal with a newly mentally unimpeded Jake.

Intensive Care Doyle

Nikki, an honourary Doyle if there ever was one, is working in the ER when an amnesia patient comes in.  Not long after the patient arrives the RNC arrive and try to arrest the patient for a heinous crime.

Nikki, being a kind soul, senses that something is amiss - and that the RNC are jumping to unfounded conclusions.  She is soon on the phone with Jake and Mal.

Jake and Mal have to figure out what the amnesia patient might have done and then prove that they weren't guilty of the crime before the RNC are able to have the patient released from the hospital and taken to the lock-up.

Jake and Mal race around St. John's back-tracking the mystery man's steps and eventually realize that the patient was being framed by a mischievous ER doctor locking to get back at an ex-wife.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

The Girl with the Doyle Tattoo

Jake wants to sexy up the GTO to his level. After adding the neon lights under the chassis, the chain link borders on the license plates, and a couple of sweet "no fear" decals, he finds the GTO still in need of a special touch. Jake blows the season 3 budget on getting the rear-end extended and fitted with a custom hot-tub for all the ladies.

Finally satisfied that the GTO is now a beast, Jake takes it for a spin, and is happy to discover that every time he stops or turns suddenly, water pours into the front, soaking his shirt. An impromptu car chase ensues with a randomly chosen car. Jake then heads over to the Tim's under the 'stab headquarters, so the hot cop can be distracted by his abs as he takes a soak in the parking lot.

All is going according to plan, and even though the hot cop hasn't shown up for a double double, Jake has managed to snag a few soccer moms into the tub. Things suddenly turn nasty when the Tim's staff attempt to kick Jake out for eating a slice of Stogger's pizza in their parking lot without purchasing anything from Tim's. Jake has no money after the expense of the tub, and is in a bind, until the hot cop shows up to save the day. She then climbs in the tub, and removes her shirt to reveal a new tattoo of Jake's abs.

How crowded will the GTO tub get? Is the hot cop's tattoo too much commitment for Jake? Will Jake eventually become a human raisin? Jake takes off to see if he can get a non-meter spot outside the hot lawyer's office, and plans how to blow season 4's budget: the full body anti-raisin procedure all the Holywood types get done.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Babysitter's Doyle

After Jake starts seeing his name pops up in vandalised books all over the city (yes, apparently he CAN read) Mal decides to figure out what all the nonsense is about. Most of the vandalism involves things like "Jake Doyle is so dreamy", and "Mrs. Jake Doyle", and "We Beliebe in Jake Doyle". 

The investigation leads Mal to an illegal, underground high school babysitter's club. In order to infiltrate the club, Mal sends Tinny in undercover to collect more evidence. Tinny discovers that Jake has been spending his afternoons hanging around the back lot of Holy Heart High School, selling smokes to teenage girls in order to supplement his paltry private detective's income. Mal decides it's their most sustainable business venture and lets Jake continue with his backdoor dealings.

The episode stars 4 teenaged girls, all named Dakota.

Tree of Doyle

Jake's GTO pursues a car through downtown St. John's.

Sir Humphrey Gilbert claims Newfoundland for the British.

A seal eats a cod.  The seal is then pursued by a killer whale.  An iceberg founders as the whale passes.

Jake, as a little boy, is first told about private detecting by Mal.

Apparitions of all of Jake's past collars emerge from the fog as he exits his car on Signal Hill.  Together they walk towards Cabot Tower.

The world ends with an explosion of light and happiness.

The Democratic People's Republic of Doyle

(new season, new show name)

For the season premiere, Doyle enlists some big time star power from Australia: the Wiggles!

The popular children's group took a wrong turn on their North American tour while Henry the Octopus
was at the wheel. Now the group is just grateful not having to sleep in the van again.
The Wiggles are to play modern day, Townie incarnations of Robin Hood and his Merry Men. Despite their colourful turtlenecks, they look cold and lost, constantly complaining about the weather everyday the show isn't shooting. They are a bit of a downer, so Jake finds an excuse to stick them back in their van for the rest of the episode.

Jake, who has recently taken to wearing pantsuits to go with his shades and kidnapping movie directors to find out how to make a better show, has a vision of his own death. He sees the hundreds of thousands of bawling Newfies at his funeral.

Jake knows what he must do. He wanders into the Confederation Building, and says to no one in particular: "Alright b'ys, dis is a coupe. Dis is a coo. I'm taking over now!" There is a loud thud, and a relieved-looking Premier Dunderdale flies out the door.

Jake's approval ratings hover at 98% until he realizes his inspired vision: he brings the Newfie bullet back to Newfoundland, so he can have somewhere romantic to die; he builds a heavily fortified zone between Sin Jawns and the Pearl; the cod return to the music of the Wiggles; Europeans begin buying up seal pelts in some hair-brained scheme to fix their debt problems; and Danny Williams slinks out of the province, wondering how he ever dared to be king while a Doyle was around.
The United States government has no choice but to include the D.P.R.D. among the axis of sexy.

Jake realizes he needs to continue the Doyle line, and Des is clearly not dictator material. Jake starts impregnating the ladies of the land, so he'll have all kinds of choice for his heir.

Will Jake find a suitable heir? Will Labrador forge a different path from the Democratic People's Republic of Doyle? Will the Wiggles ever find their way home? Marine Atlantic has the answers. Please stay on the line, your call is important to them.


While out talking to another PI firm Jake encounters a recent college grad, Paul Murphy, who seems to have a different, yet insightful, take on the private detecting industry.  Without consulting Mal or the Doyles, Jake hires this young'un and asks him to help them re-imagine how they go about private detecting.  As Jake has always known, with their small budget they will have to do more with less and find value where others aren't looking.

Of course, it's not long before Jake experiences some reluctance on the part of the other Doyles to accept the approach suggested by this new member of the Doyle team.

What Paul sees is that fighting crime is all about the numbers.  He suggests a few crime hotspots for Jake to stake out and just wait for crimes to happen.

Before anyone, particularly the RNC, knows what's happening Jake and the rest of the Doyle's are foiling most of St. John's crimes before they are even happening.  Of course, the Doyles soon realize that if they keep foiling crimes before they are committed that there will be no one to hire them to solve crimes.

The Doyles and the RNC realize that Paul Murphy must go if they are to keep their jobs and livelihoods.  With Leslie acting as a conduit a scheme is hatched to plant evidence on Paul and then promise him that unless he leaves the province for good he will end up on jail.  Problem solved.

Doyle and Prejudice

Jake falls in love with a beautiful women named Elizabeth but after their first encounter, she believes him to be a selfish, arrogant good-for-nothing. Jake has never met a woman that he couldn't seduce and is up for the challenge, willing to do whatever necessary to win Elizabeth over.

Jake starts behaving like a perfect gentleman, and over time, Elizabeth becomes more affectionate towards him. Realising that Elizabeth's friends are trying to persuade her to stay away from him, Jake decides he needs to take drastic measures to seal the deal. He takes off his shirt and Elizabeth ultimately surrenders to love. 

The next morning, Jake sneaks out to bang Leslie, or... the brunette one... I can't remember her name.

The Doyle of the Baskervilles

After seeing a glowing trike drive through the wilds of da Goulds a number of concerned citizens approach the Doyles with the case.  The Gouldians are worried about the safety of their kids as they head out for a nice summertime game of Spotlight with the haunted trike on the go.

Though he's had his run a few of them b'ys from the Goulds, for the sake of the children Jake convinces Mal that they should look into this strange and mechanized haunting.

Though their first investigative gambit, to slip Des and Tinny in as local spotlight playing youths, fails after some digging the Doyles discover that a local developer is trying to convert the now haunted land into St. John's newest subdivision, the rather haughtily named The Baskervilles.  After a night staking out the relevant land the Doyles learn that the the glowing old reconditioned trike is being driven by the developer's son and that the 'haunting' was to try to encourage the locals to sell their land at cheaper rates to allow them more profit.  When the news hits the paper the whole deal falls apart and the Doyles have a party thrown in their honour at the local community centre.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Calender Doyles

The private detecting business has been slow and the Doyles realize that they need to make some quick cash if they want to stay solvent.  After Mal vetoes Tinny's suggestion to grow a few kilos of pot, Jake suggests that they create a nude fundraising calendar with the ladies and gentlemen of the Doyleaverse.

While at first everyone is a little hesitant, Rose breaks the ice by letting her hair down posing behind her phone hacking computer.  Soon enough everyone is excited about their pose and month.

After the first set of photos have been taken Jake realizes that even once they have included the underaged Tinny and Des they are still about seven months short of models for a twelve month calendar.  Jake then hires himself to find additional 'Doyles' to fill out the remaining months.  The eventually agree to call all of these new 'Doyles' confidential informants and withhold their real names from the calendar (they are hoping that no one will realize that these aren't real Doyles).

Once the calendars are printed Jake heads down to the Mall's Sunday flea market to sell them.  Upon entering the Mall Jake senses that something is amiss.  The Sunday flea market tables don't seem to be there.  So that the day is not a complete waste Jake tries to sell the calendars by going table to table in the food court.  He manages to sell four before being kicked out by mall security.

As he is being marched out of the mall by security Jake realizes that he may have to hire himself again to figure out what happened to the longstanding flea market.