Sunday, January 22, 2012

The Royal Doyles

The Royal Newfoundland 'Stab have a problem: they suspect that with all the oil money in the city, white collar crime is way up in Sin Jawns, but they are having no success tracking these crimes. They decide to hire consultants to find out more.

Due to Department budget cuts, the RNC have to hire the Doyles, even though Jake once stole drugs from the evidence room, broke someone out of the pen, has obstructed countless RNC investigations with incompetence, is believed to be the alter ego for the obnoxious Sin Jawns superhero "the Dark Foreigner", and all the lady cops either have a pending sexual harassment suit against Jake, or they are the mother of one his illegitimate children, or both.

Jake is determined to win back the confidence of the RNC, and avoid paying child support on 32 little Doyle bastards, who, as Doyles, can make their own way in the world anyway. Jake begins a surveillance program on all those men he sees wearing white collars. Jake finds them wandering around in big box stores looking lost, clearly high on some controlled substances. He peaks into living room windows and finds them staring at big screen TVs blankly. They are in office buildings talking on phones and sneaking off for coffee. Jake is convinced he's on to something big, something huge, and every man in a suit in the metropolis in on it. But what are they up to?

Jake tunes into the show Mad Men for insight, and finds that all men in suits are booze hounds. Jake therefore suspects a liquor smuggling ring of epic proportions, but discovers they've already done an episode about smuggling, and so he dismisses it, as clearly they've solved that problem.

Jake recommends to the RNC that they arrest all men in suits, collared shirts, or polo shirts of a white, cream, or off-white description, and hold them on loitering charges in hopes that one will fold under questioning, and turn state's evidence. The RNC remind Jake that Newfoundland is not a state, so that expression really doesn't apply. Malaki quickly removes his collared shirt, revealing better abs than Jake, who in an Oedipean rage, attacks Malaki.

Are all men in Sin Jawns about to go to the lockup? Will Malaki survive Oedipus Doyle? Does off-white really count as white? The RNC have paid the consultant's fee, but they would really rather not share the report with anyone at this time.

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