Monday, January 30, 2012

Prometheus Doyle

After a glowing write-up by John Doyle in the Globe and Mail that praised the Republic of Doyle for being authentically Newfoundland, the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission (CRTC) reads the article and cries, "bullshit!/les conneries!"

The CRTC hires the Doyles to get to the bottom of why there is no actual Newfoundland content in the Republic of Doyle. Jake doesn't see their point given that the show has pretty shots of colourful houses in downtown Sin Jawns and plenty of tourist-friendly weather, but the CRTC mistook him for Don Cherry and are paying good money.

Jake investigates outside downtown Sin Jawns to see what he's missing. There seem to be a lot of houses that all look the same and big box stores. Jake realizes that these places and people are integral to the culture of authentic Newfoundland. Jake writes a comedy of errors episode where Jake and Mal keep walking into the wrong houses, so hilarity would ensue. Jake has another idea for an episode where the big box stores have mysteriously disappeared, and been replaced by an old church and a string of colourful houses. Then Jake and Mal would have to sneak around somewhere dark with flashlights like the X-Files!

Then Jake visits outport Newfoundland to see what else he's missing. He discovers that around the bay no one has GTOs, shades, or leather jackets. In order for Newfoundland to better reflect the ROD, Jake steals cars, sun glasses, and sexy jackets, and distributes them to the bay men and the bay ladies.

The CRTC catch wind of Jake's plan, and do some more bilingual swearing. The CRTC then send CSIS to catch Jake, who punish him most cruelly. CSIS chains Jake to the base of Signal Hill. Each day dirty harbour sea gulls rip Jakes' abs off, and every night his abs grow back, while the thankful bay crowd move to the Pearl to be closer to a Walmart.

Will Republic of Doyle ever get some Newfoundland content? Will the lady that played Scully make a guest appearance? Will the seagulls that feed on Jake's abs become super mutants? The CRTC knows, but can't release the report until its been translated into French.

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