Friday, April 4, 2014

Season of the Doyle

Mal's career, which is about as old and tired as Madonna's, is at something of a standstill.  Despite Rose's demands that he "just grow a pair and get back to work," Mal decides to follow the singer into the study of ancient art of Kabbalah with hopes of reinvigorating his quickly deteriorating detecting sense.

Before long, Mal's obsessed with the number 6 - though he can't figure out why.

2 wives x 3 children = 6

6x6=36 (and look at that - another 6)

approximately 13x6 = approximately 78 (which is about how old Mal thinks his body feels now that he's started to think about it)

6, when flipped upside down, is similar to 9, which is his favourite number.

After a very tedious weekend for the entire Doyle clan as Mal works his numerology magic on 6 Jake invites Mal out for a few pints at the Duke.  Mal gets so drunk he forgets the hole '6 thing.'

By early Monday afternoon the only thing Mal can think about is his incredible hangover (he doesn't even notice that it took him only 6 pints to get there).

For better or worse, the six mystery goes unsolved.

Friday, March 28, 2014

The Doyle-verse

This episode, set in the multi-verse, cuts from scene of Jake bedding a hot lady to scene of Jake bedding a hot lady until all of the iterations of Jake bedding a hot lady have been shown.

(This infinitely long episode will be the concluding episode of the series).

The Doyle that Paddy Murphy Died

Jake and some of the b'ys got loaded drunk and they ain't been sober yet.

(Meanwhile, Tinny makes a series of horrible life choices.)

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Planet of the Jakes

By season whatever it is now, Doyle has bedded all the hot ladies on the planet, and created billions of illegitimate young studs. Jake, curious about how these little Jakes and Jakettes will change the world, decides to see the future. He visits his stable of time-traveling machines that he's collected though the years, and being in a vaguely Ben Hurish mood, chooses the time-travelling chariot that Russell Crowe gave him a few years ago for his bar mitzvah, even though he is neither young nor jewish.

Jake finds the future of the planet to be highly stratified: the planet is controlled by a population of his Abs, and the humans that are left are at the bottom rung. The Abs are warrior poets, highly intelligent and highly evolved, capable of great acts of war and grace. They welcome Jake as the return of their demigod. The Abs have saved the planet by doing loads of "reps" of crunches, and eating only skinless human breast. In this utopia, Jake isn't sure if there is anything to do.

Jakes takes the case of what to do with the few humans left, who are still a threat to the planet with their backwards ways, and their deification of Rob Ford. The Abs have the humans trapped in a maze built from surplus ab workout gear. Jake takes pity on the humans and leads them to freedom.* The Abs grow afraid of Jake as a messiah of the humans, and execute him in an abdominizer.

Will Jake be reborn and rise up to meet Mal at the Duke for a pint? Will Abdominal Doyleism be a dominant organized religion in the future? If Jake beds a hot lady Ab from the future, is it incest? All of these questions will be answered in a five-hour Charlton Heston's ghost epic. Try to stay awake.

(*freedom: a tightly controlled existence designed to further the interests of greedy corporations)