Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Planet of the Jakes

By season whatever it is now, Doyle has bedded all the hot ladies on the planet, and created billions of illegitimate young studs. Jake, curious about how these little Jakes and Jakettes will change the world, decides to see the future. He visits his stable of time-traveling machines that he's collected though the years, and being in a vaguely Ben Hurish mood, chooses the time-travelling chariot that Russell Crowe gave him a few years ago for his bar mitzvah, even though he is neither young nor jewish.

Jake finds the future of the planet to be highly stratified: the planet is controlled by a population of his Abs, and the humans that are left are at the bottom rung. The Abs are warrior poets, highly intelligent and highly evolved, capable of great acts of war and grace. They welcome Jake as the return of their demigod. The Abs have saved the planet by doing loads of "reps" of crunches, and eating only skinless human breast. In this utopia, Jake isn't sure if there is anything to do.

Jakes takes the case of what to do with the few humans left, who are still a threat to the planet with their backwards ways, and their deification of Rob Ford. The Abs have the humans trapped in a maze built from surplus ab workout gear. Jake takes pity on the humans and leads them to freedom.* The Abs grow afraid of Jake as a messiah of the humans, and execute him in an abdominizer.

Will Jake be reborn and rise up to meet Mal at the Duke for a pint? Will Abdominal Doyleism be a dominant organized religion in the future? If Jake beds a hot lady Ab from the future, is it incest? All of these questions will be answered in a five-hour Charlton Heston's ghost epic. Try to stay awake.

(*freedom: a tightly controlled existence designed to further the interests of greedy corporations)

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