Friday, April 4, 2014
Before long, Mal's obsessed with the number 6 - though he can't figure out why.
2 wives x 3 children = 6
6x6=36 (and look at that - another 6)
approximately 13x6 = approximately 78 (which is about how old Mal thinks his body feels now that he's started to think about it)
6, when flipped upside down, is similar to 9, which is his favourite number.
After a very tedious weekend for the entire Doyle clan as Mal works his numerology magic on 6 Jake invites Mal out for a few pints at the Duke. Mal gets so drunk he forgets the hole '6 thing.'
By early Monday afternoon the only thing Mal can think about is his incredible hangover (he doesn't even notice that it took him only 6 pints to get there).
For better or worse, the six mystery goes unsolved.
Friday, March 28, 2014
(This infinitely long episode will be the concluding episode of the series).
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
By season whatever it is now, Doyle has bedded all the hot ladies on the planet, and created billions of illegitimate young studs. Jake, curious about how these little Jakes and Jakettes will change the world, decides to see the future. He visits his stable of time-traveling machines that he's collected though the years, and being in a vaguely Ben Hurish mood, chooses the time-travelling chariot that Russell Crowe gave him a few years ago for his bar mitzvah, even though he is neither young nor jewish.
Jake finds the future of the planet to be highly stratified: the planet is controlled by a population of his Abs, and the humans that are left are at the bottom rung. The Abs are warrior poets, highly intelligent and highly evolved, capable of great acts of war and grace. They welcome Jake as the return of their demigod. The Abs have saved the planet by doing loads of "reps" of crunches, and eating only skinless human breast. In this utopia, Jake isn't sure if there is anything to do.
Jakes takes the case of what to do with the few humans left, who are still a threat to the planet with their backwards ways, and their deification of Rob Ford. The Abs have the humans trapped in a maze built from surplus ab workout gear. Jake takes pity on the humans and leads them to freedom.* The Abs grow afraid of Jake as a messiah of the humans, and execute him in an abdominizer.
Will Jake be reborn and rise up to meet Mal at the Duke for a pint? Will Abdominal Doyleism be a dominant organized religion in the future? If Jake beds a hot lady Ab from the future, is it incest? All of these questions will be answered in a five-hour Charlton Heston's ghost epic. Try to stay awake.
(*freedom: a tightly controlled existence designed to further the interests of greedy corporations)
Monday, November 4, 2013
It's that time in Jake's relationship cycle when all the hot ladies from town are right rotted at him. Jake decides it's time to get out of town for a bit and find some hot bay lady action. Jake checks his map for all the retirement homes (since all the hot ladies around the bay are pushing 70), packs up the GTO with condoms and polident, and hits the road.
Gas is pretty expensive these days, so Jake only makes it as far as Mount Pearl and figures it's far enough, even though a full 14% of his hot lady from town action is actually commuters from the Pearl. Jake spots a few Mount Pearl Curls heading into the Glacier and decides to investigate. The Glacier is hosting a traditional Newfoundland music night featuring a chin music competition, and more importantly, is packed with hot Pearly-ites. Jake decides to enter the competition to impress these bedroom community foxes. When Jake attempts to sing nonsense syllables from his throat, his abs break into song!
Jake's abs sing opera in the most beautiful pure falsetto, breaking hearts and glasses all over the glacier. Soon Jake is discovered by the opera crowd and whisked off to perform in the opera houses of Budapest, Vienna, and Paris. Jake becomes famous and gets all kinds of hot foreign lady action causing mass protests among the foreign fellas.
Meanwhile, under the Franco-Swiss border, the Large Hadron Collider has gained sentience. The fellas in long white coats are baffled as to how this happened, and concerned that the personality of the LHC tends towards the morose with occasional bouts of violence. Jake is called away from the opera circuit to deal with the situation, and is delighted to have a case again, but unsure how he can help with his D in grade 11 physics.
Jake ventures into the depths of Swiss rock alone to discover that the Large Hadron Collider has taken on the personality of a hot lady, and the world is in peril until she finds some love and attention (special guest star voice: Mary Walsh doing her sexiest Marg Delahunty).
Will Jake ever return to solving petty crimes and hitting on ladies from town? Will Jake and his singing abs save the universe? Will Switzerland survive the tremors if Jake finds the G-spot? If the CBC sensors make the outcome vague, the particle collider porn the scientists are filming should clear things right up.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Immediately, with Des and Tinny's help, Jake sets up round-the-clock surveillance on the remaining three team members. Jake then gets Rose to tap their cell phones so he can listen in on all of their calls.
After a solid week and a half of top notch private detecting and NSA-level phone surveillance, Jake realizes that his teammates finally figured out that he'd long been sleeping with all of their wives. Most amazing, at least in Jake's eyes, is that none of the hot wives came his way for emotional support (read 'a good rogering') during this time of marital turmoil.
Meanwhile, Mal's in the hospital with something or other. The bowling drama was far to exciting for Jake to pay attention to the deteriorating health of his only father.
During all of this Doyle family drama Leslie frigged up some case or another through both sheer incompetence and because she's a poor judge of character.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
That both of their fathers are in prison does pose a few problems, though these were easily solved by a double jail-break. Of course, just because their fathers are out of jail doesn't mean they are necessarily up for a sentence-lengthening heist.
Through the power of a 'get the gang back together scene' a la Blues Brothers everything is arranged for the big heist.
It so happens that the bank Des and Tinny are casing had just hired Jake and Mal to perform a security assessment after they'd noticed a few flaws.
Just as the heist is about to start the staked-out Doyles notice that something's up. Instead of calling the cops - because that's not their style - they decide to intervene themselves.
Once the Doyles have apprehended the 'gang' and realize who their dealing with they decide to quietly unjailbreak the fathers and just give Des and Tinny a stern talking to. Of course, after this unexpected turn of events Des and Tinny still have no idea if they have a genetic predisposition to crime or not? B'ys, they're some rotted at Jake and Mal for ruining their tidy experiment.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Friday, October 11, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
After some quick surveiling of the Doyles Murphy decides that he will represent the Murphy clan and that Tinny will be the Doyle representative. As soon as a new case comes in they'll be off to the races.
Not surprisingly, because it's basically all private detecting is these days, the next case to come in is a simple insurance company surveillance case. Murphy, with his years of experience and practice in the art of bladder control finds the task easy. Tinny immediately gulps down a few double-doubles and soon finds that she's about to burst, a state of affairs that draws her away from the surveillance mission at the critical juncture.
Of course, though the outcome of this detect-off will result in a black mark on the Doyles' reputation, even they were kind of expecting such an outcome as soon as Tinny was chosen as their representative. Was there ever even a half-reasonable chance that she wouldn't Tinny it up?
Saturday, January 12, 2013
After a period of seclusion Jake is finally drawn out of his shell by a hot cat burglar he finds searching through his office. At first he kind of wants to know why she's there, but eventually his true nature gets the best of him and he just want to get to know her hot self.
Surprise, surprise, it turns out that this hot lady cat burglar is caught up with a master criminal who is bent on destroying Jake and the Doyles once and for all. Though it doesn't take long to turn this hot lady cat burglar over to the good side (and after all, isn't that really where her heart was all along?), Jake's bigger problem is how he will go about using his special detecting skills to unblock all of the roads in and out of St. John's that the master criminal has almost magically blocked in the dark of night. If Jake isn't able to free the people of St. John's they'll soon run out of beer, gas, and groceries and perish before his very eyes.
After single-handidly defeating the master criminal in a hand-to-hand fight and freeing the people of St. John's Jake retires to Burgeo with the hot lady cat burglar. Aside from the one time Malachy thinks he sees Jake at a gas station he is never seen again by any of the Doyle clan. Thus, Des is forced to step up and fill the private detecting shoes left by Jake.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Given that everyone's on vacay instead of solving mysteries the Doyles just around on beach chairs and tan and drink watered-down rum punch. Of course this also means that that the ladies in the vicinity get plenty of time to check out Jake's chiselled physique.
From time to time, Jake gets up and does a slo-mo Baywatch-style run down the beach. It's kind of amazing.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Almost as soon as Jake starts getting these 6:00 AM calls from frisky lady teachers he realizes that substitute teaching isn't for him. But because he cares about the children he can't quit in the middle of a massive flu epidemic - first he's got to get to the bottom of why there has suddenly been so much sickness among the lady teachers of St. John's.
By sending Tinny in to Holy Heart as an undercover student she is able to listen in on a few of the teachers talking about their feelings for Jake. Of course it isn't until Jake talks to Nikki and confirms that no one in St. John's actually has the flu that he starts to figure out what's been going on.
Mal and Rose knew the score all along but kept quiet because they liked seeing Jake woken up early by lady admirers.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
After surviving for several days on berries and lichen a mysterious man appears on the island.
Jake explains that when he is not trapped on resettled islands he is a PI. For no apparent reason the man asks Jake to draw an investigation.
When Jake hands the man a drawing of a box he is met with confusion. Jake then explains that the complex investigation is taking place inside the box.
There's something about Jake visiting a number of other resettled outports and then possibly dying, but who will really be paying attention to any of these details after that sweet box trick?
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Tinny professes to be unaffected by Jake's win, but begins dishing some serious passive agression his way. Jake offers to investigate pro bono how he, neither a woman nor between the ages of 18-24, won Miss NL, until he finds out this means for free.
Jake is pretty ambivalent about the case, since his magic tricks were awesome and his little red dress was killer. But Jake tracks a lead to Tinny's room where he discovers the plans on her wall to win Miss NL, and it becomes clear to him: Des has been jealous of his success all along! Mal gently nudges Jake and mutters something. It becomes clear to him: Tinny wanted to become Miss NL!
Jake recommends that they hold the pageant again to prevent the townies and baymen from a giant battle at the Come-By-Chance refinery that could see the isthmus obliterated and the island torn.
Who will win the new competition? Will the Doyle clan get over the revelations of jealousy? How many bay lady contestants will Jake bed over two contests? Jake throws the competition, but Tinny loses out to a determined Mark Critch, and all shed tears of happiness.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Jake scopes out Tinny and Des's opinions on their working conditions and find that they are similarly dissatisfied. Much to Jake's surprise, he even finds that Rose is less than happing with her job security and constantly changing schedule.
When it's finally put to a vote Jake is successful in creating the first PI-based union in the province. Of course Mal's some rotted with his family when he learns that he will now have to negotiate with shop steward Jake before assigning tasks or changing the schedule.
Though the union is able to renegotiate Jake's contract he soon finds that while he no longer working 90 hours a week as a PI, he is making up for any reduction in paid work with union work based on complaints from his co-workers about working conditions.
Fortunately for Jake, one of the union liaisons assign to his local just happens to be a very attractive woman with a soft spot for chiseled abs.
Sadly, because the episode requires a fair bit of exposition about labour law it ends before we find out if Jake is successful in his latest conquest.
Are the criminals really scared by these changes? Is the new page-a-day Jake Doyle abs calendar really going to be the revenue generator Jake thinks it will be? Will Mal figure out that he is the one being talked about when Jake uses the word 'attrition'?