Monday, November 4, 2013

Doyles and Arrows

The Doyles, in a particularly vengful mood, take what's left of Paul Gross's career out back and give it a grand ol' curb stomping.  Rose initially suggests they go easy on 'the face,' but eventually loses herself in the action and ends up dishing out more solid smacks than anyone else.

2001: A Jake Odyssey

It's that time in Jake's relationship cycle when all the hot ladies from town are right rotted at him. Jake decides it's time to get out of town for a bit and find some hot bay lady action. Jake checks his map for all the retirement homes (since all the hot ladies around the bay are pushing 70), packs up the GTO with condoms and polident, and hits the road.

Gas is pretty expensive these days, so Jake only makes it as far as Mount Pearl and figures it's far enough, even though a full 14% of his hot lady from town action is actually commuters from the Pearl. Jake spots a few Mount Pearl Curls heading into the Glacier and decides to investigate. The Glacier is hosting a traditional Newfoundland music night featuring a chin music competition, and more importantly, is packed with hot Pearly-ites. Jake decides to enter the competition to impress these bedroom community foxes. When Jake attempts to sing nonsense syllables from his throat, his abs break into song!

Jake's abs sing opera in the most beautiful pure falsetto, breaking hearts and glasses all over the glacier. Soon Jake is discovered by the opera crowd and whisked off to perform in the opera houses of Budapest, Vienna, and Paris. Jake becomes famous and gets all kinds of hot foreign lady action causing mass protests among the foreign fellas.

Meanwhile, under the Franco-Swiss border, the Large Hadron Collider has gained sentience. The fellas in long white coats are baffled as to how this happened, and concerned that the personality of the LHC tends towards the morose with occasional bouts of violence. Jake is called away from the opera circuit to deal with the situation, and is delighted to have a case again, but unsure how he can help with his D in grade 11 physics.

Jake ventures into the depths of Swiss rock alone to discover that the Large Hadron Collider has taken on the personality of a hot lady, and the world is in peril until she finds some love and attention (special guest star voice: Mary Walsh doing her sexiest Marg Delahunty).

Will Jake ever return to solving petty crimes and hitting on ladies from town? Will Jake and his singing abs save the universe? Will Switzerland survive the tremors if Jake finds the G-spot? If the CBC sensors make the outcome vague, the particle collider porn the scientists are filming should clear things right up.

Sunday, October 27, 2013


All of a sudden Jake's regular men's bowling league team kicks him off of the roster.  None of the remaining team members are willing to explain why, after years of membership, they're kicking him off of the team.  Jake isn't content with this non-answer.

Immediately, with Des and Tinny's help, Jake sets up round-the-clock surveillance on the remaining three team members.  Jake then gets Rose to tap their cell phones so he can listen in on all of their calls.

After a solid week and a half of top notch private detecting and NSA-level phone surveillance, Jake realizes that his teammates finally figured out that he'd long been sleeping with all of their wives.  Most amazing, at least in Jake's eyes, is that none of the hot wives came his way for emotional support (read 'a good rogering') during this time of marital turmoil.

Meanwhile, Mal's in the hospital with something or other.  The bowling drama was far to exciting for Jake to pay attention to the deteriorating health of his only father.

During all of this Doyle family drama Leslie frigged up some case or another through both sheer incompetence and because she's a poor judge of character.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Butch Cassidoyle and the SunDes Kid

Des and Tinny decide to conclusively determine if it's nature or nurture when it comes to their criminal genetic origins.  Des and Tinny further decide that the only test that will work is a heist with their fathers followed-up by an assessment of their skills and abilities as crooks.

That both of their fathers are in prison does pose a few problems, though these were easily solved by a double jail-break.  Of course, just because their fathers are out of jail doesn't mean they are necessarily up for a sentence-lengthening heist.

Through the power of a 'get the gang back together scene' a la Blues Brothers everything is arranged for the big heist.

It so happens that the bank Des and Tinny are casing had just hired Jake and Mal to perform a security assessment after they'd noticed a few flaws.

Just as the heist is about to start the staked-out Doyles notice that something's up.  Instead of calling the cops - because that's not their style - they decide to intervene themselves.

Once the Doyles have apprehended the 'gang' and realize who their dealing with they decide to quietly unjailbreak the fathers and just give Des and Tinny a stern talking to.  Of course, after this unexpected turn of events Des and Tinny still have no idea if they have a genetic predisposition to crime or not?  B'ys, they're some rotted at Jake and Mal for ruining their tidy experiment.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Doyle Poppins

After being fired by Mal due to a lack of business and questionable client relations  Jake offers his services as a nanny to two children from Bauline.  After showing up for his first day of work on a floating Ugly stick Jake realizes a few slugs of Screech helps calm the children down and helps his jokes hit just a little harder.  

After ripping his shirt off on a field trip to George Street Jake accidentally bangs the kids' mom. Before you know it he's back in the detecting game. 

Meanwhile Tinny'd been cleaning Des's chimney (if you know what I mean).


Jake stumbles upon a sleepy rural town where it's illegal to take your shirt off. Jake organizes a wet t-shirt contest and handily wins, proving to the town mayor that a six pack and large nipples can bring a town together. In the climatic ending Mayor Rob Ford smokes all the crack, hooks up with Jake and takes his shirt off, reminding the town why they implemented the shirt bylaw in the first place.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Magic Doyle

Jake decides that it's time to get out of the detecting business. With nothing but a gym bag full of tight shirts and no other discernible skills, he turns to stripping at the Cotton Club ladies nights.

Jake is initially pleased with the steady stream of loonies being tossed his way and even picks up a few cougars on good nights. Jake hopes that he will be taken under the wing of one of the older, more experienced dancers and tries to become BFFs with some of the hot young fellas. 

After almost breaking a hip in dry humping maneuver gone awry, Jake comes to the realization that he's the Matthew McConaughey in this scenario and leaves the Club feeling greasy, old and inadequate.

In the epilogue, Jake gets kicked out of the house for tracking glitter everywhere.


Jakes decides to get into podcasting to kill the time on stake outs. Each week Jake invites two notable individuals from Newfoundland or the detecting community into his surveillance van for an intense and thoughtful chat. It isn't long before WTD is rocketing up the iTunes charts and everyone is hoping for an invite to 'the van.'

A History of the world in a 100 Doyles

At a Doyle family reunion heretofore unknown and previously unmentioned Doyles are introduced to explain the role the Doyle family played in all stages of the development and history of Newfoundland. The whole private detecting angle is dropped for this intense character based multi-generational epic of an episode. 

Don't worry, Jake still finds the time to take his shirt off and hook up with hotties (they're mostly not too closely related to him).

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Djoyle Unchained

(The 'j' is silent). 

Jake gets a tip about a local Mandingo operation and rather than passing along the tip to Leslie and the RNC he sells himself to Des as a fighter goes deep undercover. 

When one of the fights leads to a scratch on his abs Jake loses heart and emancipates himself and just rats everyone out to Leslie.  

Just before Leslie and the b'ys arrive to arrest everyone Jake accidentally knocks loose the gas stove before lighting up a quick smoke. The place, along with a crotchety old Mandingo trainer, goes up in a ball of flames but is only seen as a reflection on the aviators of the approaching cops - somehow Jake and Des make it out alive well enough to try to chat up a few of the lady cops. 

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Any Given Doyle

While down at the Duke one night a drunk Jake runs into John Murphy, of the infamous Murphy private detecting clan who are best known for the dubious and vicious tactics.  When challenged to a detecting challenge by Murphy, Jake, so confident in the abilities of his Doyles, offers any member of his family to go head-to-head with any member of the Murphy clan.

After some quick surveiling of the Doyles Murphy decides that he will represent the Murphy clan and that Tinny will  be the Doyle representative.  As soon as a new case comes in they'll be off to the races.

Not surprisingly, because it's basically all private detecting is these days, the next case to come in is a simple insurance company surveillance case.  Murphy, with his years of experience and practice in the art of bladder control finds the task easy.  Tinny immediately gulps down a few double-doubles and soon finds that she's about to burst, a state of affairs that draws her away from the surveillance mission at the critical juncture.

Of course, though the outcome of this detect-off will result in a black mark on the Doyles' reputation, even they were kind of expecting such an outcome as soon as Tinny was chosen as their representative.  Was there ever even a half-reasonable chance that she wouldn't Tinny it up?

Saturday, January 12, 2013

The Dark Doyle Rises

After a series of tough and personally challenging cases Jake is forced to reconsider is role in the private detecting game.  Can his body really handle any more tough falls or cracks on the head?  And arent' those late nights at the Duke are just getting harder and harder to overcome the next day?  Should he just skulk away in the dark of night and hope that everyone just forgets who he was and what he meant to the people of St. John's?

After a period of seclusion Jake is finally drawn out of his shell by a hot cat burglar he finds searching through his office.  At first he kind of wants to know why she's there, but eventually his true nature gets the best of him and he just want to get to know her hot self.

Surprise, surprise, it turns out that this hot lady cat burglar is caught up with a master criminal who is bent on destroying Jake and the Doyles once and for all.  Though it doesn't take long to turn this hot lady cat burglar over to the good side (and after all, isn't that really where her heart was all along?), Jake's bigger problem is how he will go about using his special detecting skills to unblock all of the roads in and out of St. John's that the master criminal has almost magically blocked in the dark of night. If Jake isn't able to free the people of St. John's they'll soon run out of beer, gas, and groceries and perish before his very eyes.

After single-handidly defeating the master criminal in a hand-to-hand fight and freeing the people of St. John's Jake retires to Burgeo with the hot lady cat burglar.  Aside from the one time Malachy thinks he sees Jake at a gas station he is never seen again by any of the Doyle clan.  Thus, Des is forced to step up and fill the private detecting shoes left by Jake.