Monday, November 4, 2013
It's that time in Jake's relationship cycle when all the hot ladies from town are right rotted at him. Jake decides it's time to get out of town for a bit and find some hot bay lady action. Jake checks his map for all the retirement homes (since all the hot ladies around the bay are pushing 70), packs up the GTO with condoms and polident, and hits the road.
Gas is pretty expensive these days, so Jake only makes it as far as Mount Pearl and figures it's far enough, even though a full 14% of his hot lady from town action is actually commuters from the Pearl. Jake spots a few Mount Pearl Curls heading into the Glacier and decides to investigate. The Glacier is hosting a traditional Newfoundland music night featuring a chin music competition, and more importantly, is packed with hot Pearly-ites. Jake decides to enter the competition to impress these bedroom community foxes. When Jake attempts to sing nonsense syllables from his throat, his abs break into song!
Jake's abs sing opera in the most beautiful pure falsetto, breaking hearts and glasses all over the glacier. Soon Jake is discovered by the opera crowd and whisked off to perform in the opera houses of Budapest, Vienna, and Paris. Jake becomes famous and gets all kinds of hot foreign lady action causing mass protests among the foreign fellas.
Meanwhile, under the Franco-Swiss border, the Large Hadron Collider has gained sentience. The fellas in long white coats are baffled as to how this happened, and concerned that the personality of the LHC tends towards the morose with occasional bouts of violence. Jake is called away from the opera circuit to deal with the situation, and is delighted to have a case again, but unsure how he can help with his D in grade 11 physics.
Jake ventures into the depths of Swiss rock alone to discover that the Large Hadron Collider has taken on the personality of a hot lady, and the world is in peril until she finds some love and attention (special guest star voice: Mary Walsh doing her sexiest Marg Delahunty).
Will Jake ever return to solving petty crimes and hitting on ladies from town? Will Jake and his singing abs save the universe? Will Switzerland survive the tremors if Jake finds the G-spot? If the CBC sensors make the outcome vague, the particle collider porn the scientists are filming should clear things right up.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Immediately, with Des and Tinny's help, Jake sets up round-the-clock surveillance on the remaining three team members. Jake then gets Rose to tap their cell phones so he can listen in on all of their calls.
After a solid week and a half of top notch private detecting and NSA-level phone surveillance, Jake realizes that his teammates finally figured out that he'd long been sleeping with all of their wives. Most amazing, at least in Jake's eyes, is that none of the hot wives came his way for emotional support (read 'a good rogering') during this time of marital turmoil.
Meanwhile, Mal's in the hospital with something or other. The bowling drama was far to exciting for Jake to pay attention to the deteriorating health of his only father.
During all of this Doyle family drama Leslie frigged up some case or another through both sheer incompetence and because she's a poor judge of character.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
That both of their fathers are in prison does pose a few problems, though these were easily solved by a double jail-break. Of course, just because their fathers are out of jail doesn't mean they are necessarily up for a sentence-lengthening heist.
Through the power of a 'get the gang back together scene' a la Blues Brothers everything is arranged for the big heist.
It so happens that the bank Des and Tinny are casing had just hired Jake and Mal to perform a security assessment after they'd noticed a few flaws.
Just as the heist is about to start the staked-out Doyles notice that something's up. Instead of calling the cops - because that's not their style - they decide to intervene themselves.
Once the Doyles have apprehended the 'gang' and realize who their dealing with they decide to quietly unjailbreak the fathers and just give Des and Tinny a stern talking to. Of course, after this unexpected turn of events Des and Tinny still have no idea if they have a genetic predisposition to crime or not? B'ys, they're some rotted at Jake and Mal for ruining their tidy experiment.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Friday, October 11, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
After some quick surveiling of the Doyles Murphy decides that he will represent the Murphy clan and that Tinny will be the Doyle representative. As soon as a new case comes in they'll be off to the races.
Not surprisingly, because it's basically all private detecting is these days, the next case to come in is a simple insurance company surveillance case. Murphy, with his years of experience and practice in the art of bladder control finds the task easy. Tinny immediately gulps down a few double-doubles and soon finds that she's about to burst, a state of affairs that draws her away from the surveillance mission at the critical juncture.
Of course, though the outcome of this detect-off will result in a black mark on the Doyles' reputation, even they were kind of expecting such an outcome as soon as Tinny was chosen as their representative. Was there ever even a half-reasonable chance that she wouldn't Tinny it up?
Saturday, January 12, 2013
After a period of seclusion Jake is finally drawn out of his shell by a hot cat burglar he finds searching through his office. At first he kind of wants to know why she's there, but eventually his true nature gets the best of him and he just want to get to know her hot self.
Surprise, surprise, it turns out that this hot lady cat burglar is caught up with a master criminal who is bent on destroying Jake and the Doyles once and for all. Though it doesn't take long to turn this hot lady cat burglar over to the good side (and after all, isn't that really where her heart was all along?), Jake's bigger problem is how he will go about using his special detecting skills to unblock all of the roads in and out of St. John's that the master criminal has almost magically blocked in the dark of night. If Jake isn't able to free the people of St. John's they'll soon run out of beer, gas, and groceries and perish before his very eyes.
After single-handidly defeating the master criminal in a hand-to-hand fight and freeing the people of St. John's Jake retires to Burgeo with the hot lady cat burglar. Aside from the one time Malachy thinks he sees Jake at a gas station he is never seen again by any of the Doyle clan. Thus, Des is forced to step up and fill the private detecting shoes left by Jake.