Jake wins Miss Newfoundland and Labrador 2012. Townies don't see the big deal, but the outports are furious, and Mount Pearl, CBS, and Corner Brook are confused over how Jake won and whether they are town or bay.
Tinny professes to be unaffected by Jake's win, but begins dishing some serious passive agression his way. Jake offers to investigate pro bono how he, neither a woman nor between the ages of 18-24, won Miss NL, until he finds out this means for free.
Jake is pretty ambivalent about the case, since his magic tricks were awesome and his little red dress was killer. But Jake tracks a lead to Tinny's room where he discovers the plans on her wall to win Miss NL, and it becomes clear to him: Des has been jealous of his success all along! Mal gently nudges Jake and mutters something. It becomes clear to him: Tinny wanted to become Miss NL!
Jake recommends that they hold the pageant again to prevent the townies and baymen from a giant battle at the Come-By-Chance refinery that could see the isthmus obliterated and the island torn.
Who will win the new competition? Will the Doyle clan get over the revelations of jealousy? How many bay lady contestants will Jake bed over two contests? Jake throws the competition, but Tinny loses out to a determined Mark Critch, and all shed tears of happiness.
Showing posts with label Plot holes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Plot holes. Show all posts
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Doyle Swan
Jake finally suffers a mental breakdown while on an important case tracking down Jimmy "Rubber boots" Squires and the Ugly Stick B'ys. While it is unclear what the charges are, they are all clearly hard cases, and up to no good. Jake is not under pressure from the chase; he's only got to pick up some hot dogs and have a bbq in Buckmaster Circle, and the b'ys'll show up with bottles of Boone's.
Jake is actually under pressure from having to be the most shapely PI in town in case a shirt removal is required while investigating. Jake's Holywood starvation diet leaves him short of energy for detecting clues or hitting on hotties. Every time a criminal mentions to Jake that he looks a bit paunchy, Jake must starve himself more, and crime goes up further.
Finally, Jake cracks during the trip to the supermarket to pick up food for the bbq, and can be seen running down the aisles raving about the processed food monsters. Jake then works out to look good for the bbq scene, leaving him weaker. Meanwhile Rubber boots and the Ugly Stick b'ys are wise to Jake's plan, and set a trap of their own.
Can Jake summon the strength to law down the law, or will he get beat with ugly sticks? Will Jake do ballet to get himself out of this jam? Will tofu burgers be the vegetarian option? The answers are tattooed on Jake's torso, so the shirt can come off.
Jake is actually under pressure from having to be the most shapely PI in town in case a shirt removal is required while investigating. Jake's Holywood starvation diet leaves him short of energy for detecting clues or hitting on hotties. Every time a criminal mentions to Jake that he looks a bit paunchy, Jake must starve himself more, and crime goes up further.
Finally, Jake cracks during the trip to the supermarket to pick up food for the bbq, and can be seen running down the aisles raving about the processed food monsters. Jake then works out to look good for the bbq scene, leaving him weaker. Meanwhile Rubber boots and the Ugly Stick b'ys are wise to Jake's plan, and set a trap of their own.
Can Jake summon the strength to law down the law, or will he get beat with ugly sticks? Will Jake do ballet to get himself out of this jam? Will tofu burgers be the vegetarian option? The answers are tattooed on Jake's torso, so the shirt can come off.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Prometheus Doyle
After a glowing write-up by John Doyle in the Globe and Mail that praised the Republic of Doyle for being authentically Newfoundland, the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission (CRTC) reads the article and cries, "bullshit!/les conneries!"
The CRTC hires the Doyles to get to the bottom of why there is no actual Newfoundland content in the Republic of Doyle. Jake doesn't see their point given that the show has pretty shots of colourful houses in downtown Sin Jawns and plenty of tourist-friendly weather, but the CRTC mistook him for Don Cherry and are paying good money.
Jake investigates outside downtown Sin Jawns to see what he's missing. There seem to be a lot of houses that all look the same and big box stores. Jake realizes that these places and people are integral to the culture of authentic Newfoundland. Jake writes a comedy of errors episode where Jake and Mal keep walking into the wrong houses, so hilarity would ensue. Jake has another idea for an episode where the big box stores have mysteriously disappeared, and been replaced by an old church and a string of colourful houses. Then Jake and Mal would have to sneak around somewhere dark with flashlights like the X-Files!
Then Jake visits outport Newfoundland to see what else he's missing. He discovers that around the bay no one has GTOs, shades, or leather jackets. In order for Newfoundland to better reflect the ROD, Jake steals cars, sun glasses, and sexy jackets, and distributes them to the bay men and the bay ladies.
The CRTC catch wind of Jake's plan, and do some more bilingual swearing. The CRTC then send CSIS to catch Jake, who punish him most cruelly. CSIS chains Jake to the base of Signal Hill. Each day dirty harbour sea gulls rip Jakes' abs off, and every night his abs grow back, while the thankful bay crowd move to the Pearl to be closer to a Walmart.
Will Republic of Doyle ever get some Newfoundland content? Will the lady that played Scully make a guest appearance? Will the seagulls that feed on Jake's abs become super mutants? The CRTC knows, but can't release the report until its been translated into French.
The CRTC hires the Doyles to get to the bottom of why there is no actual Newfoundland content in the Republic of Doyle. Jake doesn't see their point given that the show has pretty shots of colourful houses in downtown Sin Jawns and plenty of tourist-friendly weather, but the CRTC mistook him for Don Cherry and are paying good money.
Jake investigates outside downtown Sin Jawns to see what he's missing. There seem to be a lot of houses that all look the same and big box stores. Jake realizes that these places and people are integral to the culture of authentic Newfoundland. Jake writes a comedy of errors episode where Jake and Mal keep walking into the wrong houses, so hilarity would ensue. Jake has another idea for an episode where the big box stores have mysteriously disappeared, and been replaced by an old church and a string of colourful houses. Then Jake and Mal would have to sneak around somewhere dark with flashlights like the X-Files!
Then Jake visits outport Newfoundland to see what else he's missing. He discovers that around the bay no one has GTOs, shades, or leather jackets. In order for Newfoundland to better reflect the ROD, Jake steals cars, sun glasses, and sexy jackets, and distributes them to the bay men and the bay ladies.
The CRTC catch wind of Jake's plan, and do some more bilingual swearing. The CRTC then send CSIS to catch Jake, who punish him most cruelly. CSIS chains Jake to the base of Signal Hill. Each day dirty harbour sea gulls rip Jakes' abs off, and every night his abs grow back, while the thankful bay crowd move to the Pearl to be closer to a Walmart.
Will Republic of Doyle ever get some Newfoundland content? Will the lady that played Scully make a guest appearance? Will the seagulls that feed on Jake's abs become super mutants? The CRTC knows, but can't release the report until its been translated into French.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Oedipus Doyle
In this exciting follow up to The Royal Doyles, when Jake sees Malachy's ripped abs, Jake loses it. In his jealous rage, Jake transforms into a 5 foot 8 tyrannosaurus rex and rips out Mal's abs, so he may never be buff again. At that moment, Mal's wife is brought into 'stab headquarters
on suspicion of public intoxication. A horny Tyrannosaurus Doyle begins to make his move...
Cue theme song: "Oh yeah!"
The 'stab headquarters have been reduced to quite a state. Mal is on the floor bleeding, his wife is having a smoke, the hot cop is hitting on Tyrannosaurus Jake, one officer is throwing cheeseburgers in his mouth, while another patiently explains that they can't lock up all the white-collar criminals, because that treatment is only for blue collar criminals.
In his own personal heaven, Tyrannosaurus Jake doesn't care about the white collar criminal conspiracy anymore, but promises to eat as many of them as can on his way home. Tyrannosaurus Jake jumps into the GTO and picks up some ladies for a GTO hot tub party.
Unfortunately, the Sin Jawns crowd is not used to having a below average height T. Rex sauntering down Water Street in leather jacket and shades. Panic ensues, and the terrified mob becomes angry and begins looting. T. Rex Jake regretfully realizes he may have to reassume his role as a PI... and a human. Jake just hopes that the mob is dumb enough to video itself in broad daylight while they loot and pillage.
Will Malachy ever be buff again? Will any ladies in Sin Jawns settle for anything less than a dinosaur now? Will the Sin Jawns mob also prosecute itself in addition to providing evidence against? Find out next time, when Jake steals fire from the Gods and gives it to the Newfies.
on suspicion of public intoxication. A horny Tyrannosaurus Doyle begins to make his move...
Cue theme song: "Oh yeah!"
The 'stab headquarters have been reduced to quite a state. Mal is on the floor bleeding, his wife is having a smoke, the hot cop is hitting on Tyrannosaurus Jake, one officer is throwing cheeseburgers in his mouth, while another patiently explains that they can't lock up all the white-collar criminals, because that treatment is only for blue collar criminals.
In his own personal heaven, Tyrannosaurus Jake doesn't care about the white collar criminal conspiracy anymore, but promises to eat as many of them as can on his way home. Tyrannosaurus Jake jumps into the GTO and picks up some ladies for a GTO hot tub party.
Unfortunately, the Sin Jawns crowd is not used to having a below average height T. Rex sauntering down Water Street in leather jacket and shades. Panic ensues, and the terrified mob becomes angry and begins looting. T. Rex Jake regretfully realizes he may have to reassume his role as a PI... and a human. Jake just hopes that the mob is dumb enough to video itself in broad daylight while they loot and pillage.
Will Malachy ever be buff again? Will any ladies in Sin Jawns settle for anything less than a dinosaur now? Will the Sin Jawns mob also prosecute itself in addition to providing evidence against? Find out next time, when Jake steals fire from the Gods and gives it to the Newfies.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
The Royal Doyles
The Royal Newfoundland 'Stab have a problem: they suspect that with all the oil money in the city, white collar crime is way up in Sin Jawns, but they are having no success tracking these crimes. They decide to hire consultants to find out more.
Due to Department budget cuts, the RNC have to hire the Doyles, even though Jake once stole drugs from the evidence room, broke someone out of the pen, has obstructed countless RNC investigations with incompetence, is believed to be the alter ego for the obnoxious Sin Jawns superhero "the Dark Foreigner", and all the lady cops either have a pending sexual harassment suit against Jake, or they are the mother of one his illegitimate children, or both.
Jake is determined to win back the confidence of the RNC, and avoid paying child support on 32 little Doyle bastards, who, as Doyles, can make their own way in the world anyway. Jake begins a surveillance program on all those men he sees wearing white collars. Jake finds them wandering around in big box stores looking lost, clearly high on some controlled substances. He peaks into living room windows and finds them staring at big screen TVs blankly. They are in office buildings talking on phones and sneaking off for coffee. Jake is convinced he's on to something big, something huge, and every man in a suit in the metropolis in on it. But what are they up to?
Jake tunes into the show Mad Men for insight, and finds that all men in suits are booze hounds. Jake therefore suspects a liquor smuggling ring of epic proportions, but discovers they've already done an episode about smuggling, and so he dismisses it, as clearly they've solved that problem.
Jake recommends to the RNC that they arrest all men in suits, collared shirts, or polo shirts of a white, cream, or off-white description, and hold them on loitering charges in hopes that one will fold under questioning, and turn state's evidence. The RNC remind Jake that Newfoundland is not a state, so that expression really doesn't apply. Malaki quickly removes his collared shirt, revealing better abs than Jake, who in an Oedipean rage, attacks Malaki.
Are all men in Sin Jawns about to go to the lockup? Will Malaki survive Oedipus Doyle? Does off-white really count as white? The RNC have paid the consultant's fee, but they would really rather not share the report with anyone at this time.
Due to Department budget cuts, the RNC have to hire the Doyles, even though Jake once stole drugs from the evidence room, broke someone out of the pen, has obstructed countless RNC investigations with incompetence, is believed to be the alter ego for the obnoxious Sin Jawns superhero "the Dark Foreigner", and all the lady cops either have a pending sexual harassment suit against Jake, or they are the mother of one his illegitimate children, or both.
Jake is determined to win back the confidence of the RNC, and avoid paying child support on 32 little Doyle bastards, who, as Doyles, can make their own way in the world anyway. Jake begins a surveillance program on all those men he sees wearing white collars. Jake finds them wandering around in big box stores looking lost, clearly high on some controlled substances. He peaks into living room windows and finds them staring at big screen TVs blankly. They are in office buildings talking on phones and sneaking off for coffee. Jake is convinced he's on to something big, something huge, and every man in a suit in the metropolis in on it. But what are they up to?
Jake tunes into the show Mad Men for insight, and finds that all men in suits are booze hounds. Jake therefore suspects a liquor smuggling ring of epic proportions, but discovers they've already done an episode about smuggling, and so he dismisses it, as clearly they've solved that problem.
Jake recommends to the RNC that they arrest all men in suits, collared shirts, or polo shirts of a white, cream, or off-white description, and hold them on loitering charges in hopes that one will fold under questioning, and turn state's evidence. The RNC remind Jake that Newfoundland is not a state, so that expression really doesn't apply. Malaki quickly removes his collared shirt, revealing better abs than Jake, who in an Oedipean rage, attacks Malaki.
Are all men in Sin Jawns about to go to the lockup? Will Malaki survive Oedipus Doyle? Does off-white really count as white? The RNC have paid the consultant's fee, but they would really rather not share the report with anyone at this time.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
The Girl with the Doyle Tattoo
Jake wants to sexy up the GTO to his level. After adding the neon lights under the chassis, the chain link borders on the license plates, and a couple of sweet "no fear" decals, he finds the GTO still in need of a special touch. Jake blows the season 3 budget on getting the rear-end extended and fitted with a custom hot-tub for all the ladies.
Finally satisfied that the GTO is now a beast, Jake takes it for a spin, and is happy to discover that every time he stops or turns suddenly, water pours into the front, soaking his shirt. An impromptu car chase ensues with a randomly chosen car. Jake then heads over to the Tim's under the 'stab headquarters, so the hot cop can be distracted by his abs as he takes a soak in the parking lot.
All is going according to plan, and even though the hot cop hasn't shown up for a double double, Jake has managed to snag a few soccer moms into the tub. Things suddenly turn nasty when the Tim's staff attempt to kick Jake out for eating a slice of Stogger's pizza in their parking lot without purchasing anything from Tim's. Jake has no money after the expense of the tub, and is in a bind, until the hot cop shows up to save the day. She then climbs in the tub, and removes her shirt to reveal a new tattoo of Jake's abs.
How crowded will the GTO tub get? Is the hot cop's tattoo too much commitment for Jake? Will Jake eventually become a human raisin? Jake takes off to see if he can get a non-meter spot outside the hot lawyer's office, and plans how to blow season 4's budget: the full body anti-raisin procedure all the Holywood types get done.
Finally satisfied that the GTO is now a beast, Jake takes it for a spin, and is happy to discover that every time he stops or turns suddenly, water pours into the front, soaking his shirt. An impromptu car chase ensues with a randomly chosen car. Jake then heads over to the Tim's under the 'stab headquarters, so the hot cop can be distracted by his abs as he takes a soak in the parking lot.
All is going according to plan, and even though the hot cop hasn't shown up for a double double, Jake has managed to snag a few soccer moms into the tub. Things suddenly turn nasty when the Tim's staff attempt to kick Jake out for eating a slice of Stogger's pizza in their parking lot without purchasing anything from Tim's. Jake has no money after the expense of the tub, and is in a bind, until the hot cop shows up to save the day. She then climbs in the tub, and removes her shirt to reveal a new tattoo of Jake's abs.
How crowded will the GTO tub get? Is the hot cop's tattoo too much commitment for Jake? Will Jake eventually become a human raisin? Jake takes off to see if he can get a non-meter spot outside the hot lawyer's office, and plans how to blow season 4's budget: the full body anti-raisin procedure all the Holywood types get done.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The Babysitter's Doyle
After Jake starts seeing his name pops up in vandalised books all over the city (yes, apparently he CAN read) Mal decides to figure out what all the nonsense is about. Most of the vandalism involves things like "Jake Doyle is so dreamy", and "Mrs. Jake Doyle", and "We Beliebe in Jake Doyle".
The investigation leads Mal to an illegal, underground high school babysitter's club. In order to infiltrate the club, Mal sends Tinny in undercover to collect more evidence. Tinny discovers that Jake has been spending his afternoons hanging around the back lot of Holy Heart High School, selling smokes to teenage girls in order to supplement his paltry private detective's income. Mal decides it's their most sustainable business venture and lets Jake continue with his backdoor dealings.
The episode stars 4 teenaged girls, all named Dakota.
The investigation leads Mal to an illegal, underground high school babysitter's club. In order to infiltrate the club, Mal sends Tinny in undercover to collect more evidence. Tinny discovers that Jake has been spending his afternoons hanging around the back lot of Holy Heart High School, selling smokes to teenage girls in order to supplement his paltry private detective's income. Mal decides it's their most sustainable business venture and lets Jake continue with his backdoor dealings.
The episode stars 4 teenaged girls, all named Dakota.
The Democratic People's Republic of Doyle
(new season, new show name)
For the season premiere, Doyle enlists some big time star power from Australia: the Wiggles!
The popular children's group took a wrong turn on their North American tour while Henry the Octopus
was at the wheel. Now the group is just grateful not having to sleep in the van again.
The Wiggles are to play modern day, Townie incarnations of Robin Hood and his Merry Men. Despite their colourful turtlenecks, they look cold and lost, constantly complaining about the weather everyday the show isn't shooting. They are a bit of a downer, so Jake finds an excuse to stick them back in their van for the rest of the episode.
Jake, who has recently taken to wearing pantsuits to go with his shades and kidnapping movie directors to find out how to make a better show, has a vision of his own death. He sees the hundreds of thousands of bawling Newfies at his funeral.
Jake knows what he must do. He wanders into the Confederation Building, and says to no one in particular: "Alright b'ys, dis is a coupe. Dis is a coo. I'm taking over now!" There is a loud thud, and a relieved-looking Premier Dunderdale flies out the door.
Jake's approval ratings hover at 98% until he realizes his inspired vision: he brings the Newfie bullet back to Newfoundland, so he can have somewhere romantic to die; he builds a heavily fortified zone between Sin Jawns and the Pearl; the cod return to the music of the Wiggles; Europeans begin buying up seal pelts in some hair-brained scheme to fix their debt problems; and Danny Williams slinks out of the province, wondering how he ever dared to be king while a Doyle was around.
The United States government has no choice but to include the D.P.R.D. among the axis of sexy.
Jake realizes he needs to continue the Doyle line, and Des is clearly not dictator material. Jake starts impregnating the ladies of the land, so he'll have all kinds of choice for his heir.
Will Jake find a suitable heir? Will Labrador forge a different path from the Democratic People's Republic of Doyle? Will the Wiggles ever find their way home? Marine Atlantic has the answers. Please stay on the line, your call is important to them.
For the season premiere, Doyle enlists some big time star power from Australia: the Wiggles!
The popular children's group took a wrong turn on their North American tour while Henry the Octopus
was at the wheel. Now the group is just grateful not having to sleep in the van again.
The Wiggles are to play modern day, Townie incarnations of Robin Hood and his Merry Men. Despite their colourful turtlenecks, they look cold and lost, constantly complaining about the weather everyday the show isn't shooting. They are a bit of a downer, so Jake finds an excuse to stick them back in their van for the rest of the episode.
Jake, who has recently taken to wearing pantsuits to go with his shades and kidnapping movie directors to find out how to make a better show, has a vision of his own death. He sees the hundreds of thousands of bawling Newfies at his funeral.
Jake knows what he must do. He wanders into the Confederation Building, and says to no one in particular: "Alright b'ys, dis is a coupe. Dis is a coo. I'm taking over now!" There is a loud thud, and a relieved-looking Premier Dunderdale flies out the door.
Jake's approval ratings hover at 98% until he realizes his inspired vision: he brings the Newfie bullet back to Newfoundland, so he can have somewhere romantic to die; he builds a heavily fortified zone between Sin Jawns and the Pearl; the cod return to the music of the Wiggles; Europeans begin buying up seal pelts in some hair-brained scheme to fix their debt problems; and Danny Williams slinks out of the province, wondering how he ever dared to be king while a Doyle was around.
The United States government has no choice but to include the D.P.R.D. among the axis of sexy.
Jake realizes he needs to continue the Doyle line, and Des is clearly not dictator material. Jake starts impregnating the ladies of the land, so he'll have all kinds of choice for his heir.
Will Jake find a suitable heir? Will Labrador forge a different path from the Democratic People's Republic of Doyle? Will the Wiggles ever find their way home? Marine Atlantic has the answers. Please stay on the line, your call is important to them.
Doyle and Prejudice
Jake falls in love with a beautiful women named Elizabeth but after their first encounter, she believes him to be a selfish, arrogant good-for-nothing. Jake has never met a woman that he couldn't seduce and is up for the challenge, willing to do whatever necessary to win Elizabeth over.
Jake starts behaving like a perfect gentleman, and over time, Elizabeth becomes more affectionate towards him. Realising that Elizabeth's friends are trying to persuade her to stay away from him, Jake decides he needs to take drastic measures to seal the deal. He takes off his shirt and Elizabeth ultimately surrenders to love.
The next morning, Jake sneaks out to bang Leslie, or... the brunette one... I can't remember her name.
Jake starts behaving like a perfect gentleman, and over time, Elizabeth becomes more affectionate towards him. Realising that Elizabeth's friends are trying to persuade her to stay away from him, Jake decides he needs to take drastic measures to seal the deal. He takes off his shirt and Elizabeth ultimately surrenders to love.
The next morning, Jake sneaks out to bang Leslie, or... the brunette one... I can't remember her name.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Lure of the Labradoyle Wild
While helping Tinny on a school essay on the classic novel, Lure of the Labrador Wild, Jake and Malachy become inspired to recreate the treacherous journey.
Of course, never having actually read the book, Jake decides at the start of the journey that the food and hunting equipment is far to heavy to carry across Labrador's interior and chooses to leave it all behind about a half hour into their trek. After days of wandering around in circles without a map and eating nothing but pea meal and hardtack, the Doyle men are forced to stew their boots in a struggle against starvation. This inevitably leads to severe frostbite - something that Jake would have known about had he hired a local guide to accompany them on their journey.
Just as Jake and Malachy are ready to take their last breath, Leslie spots the two from a Search and Rescue helicopter. While Jake ends up losing his legs to gangrene from the knees down, he is still able to show Leslie that his "manhood" is very much intact.
Of course, never having actually read the book, Jake decides at the start of the journey that the food and hunting equipment is far to heavy to carry across Labrador's interior and chooses to leave it all behind about a half hour into their trek. After days of wandering around in circles without a map and eating nothing but pea meal and hardtack, the Doyle men are forced to stew their boots in a struggle against starvation. This inevitably leads to severe frostbite - something that Jake would have known about had he hired a local guide to accompany them on their journey.
Just as Jake and Malachy are ready to take their last breath, Leslie spots the two from a Search and Rescue helicopter. While Jake ends up losing his legs to gangrene from the knees down, he is still able to show Leslie that his "manhood" is very much intact.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
The Doyle Dozen
Malacky is wrongfully convicted of sellin' oxys and goes to the pen for a 2 year stretch. Jake, unable to see his father mistreated, enlists Rose, Des, Tinny, Walter, and Leslie and their clones to break into her majesty's pen, bust Malacky out, and hide him on Ramea until things blow over.
On the night of the escape attempt, they sneak into the cemetery next to the pen, and partially bury themselves. As the sky lightens, they all climb out of the ground, and Jake's dirty and seemingly dead dozen do a zombie march towards the gate. The terrified guards make a run for the lake, leaving the satisfied group to play a prank on the prisoners before releasing Malacky from his cell.
In order to drum up some business for the coming year, Jake also lets out 15% of the prison population, as long as they promise to go back to a life of crime. Jake admits that this move is a pretty "dirty" trick, and they all laugh heartily.
The next morning, the group discovers that Mal really does sell oxys, and Leslie has been fired from her position as a hot cop for her part in the caper. Jake observes that they didn't make a "clean" getaway after all, drawing fewer laughs, except from the clones, who are really sort of brain dead.
On the night of the escape attempt, they sneak into the cemetery next to the pen, and partially bury themselves. As the sky lightens, they all climb out of the ground, and Jake's dirty and seemingly dead dozen do a zombie march towards the gate. The terrified guards make a run for the lake, leaving the satisfied group to play a prank on the prisoners before releasing Malacky from his cell.
In order to drum up some business for the coming year, Jake also lets out 15% of the prison population, as long as they promise to go back to a life of crime. Jake admits that this move is a pretty "dirty" trick, and they all laugh heartily.
The next morning, the group discovers that Mal really does sell oxys, and Leslie has been fired from her position as a hot cop for her part in the caper. Jake observes that they didn't make a "clean" getaway after all, drawing fewer laughs, except from the clones, who are really sort of brain dead.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Cirque Doyle Soleil
Jake takes up juggling as a hobby to hone his skills juggling all his ladies, hot dates, and one night stands. Jake's idiot savant like talent for juggling soon finds him juggling lit fireworks, plates of fish and chips, and Tinny's pot plants.
Ironically, Jake's love life suffers, as his obsession with juggling intensifies. Seeking to work the ladies back into his life, Jake tries to juggle a semi-hot teacher, a hot dental hygienist, and a librarian-hot librarian, but the stunt ends only in a separated lady shoulder and a few broken lady fingers.
Despite being unable to juggle actual ladies, Jake decides to start his own circus:
"The Greatest Doyle on Earth!"
Jake's first show involves a daring tightrope walk across the narrows of St. John's harbour while juggling scratch tickets. Will Jake make it to the other side? Will he ever go back to being a PI? How long will Rose put up with being the bearded lady before smacking the face off Jake?
The show really produces more questions than answers...
Ironically, Jake's love life suffers, as his obsession with juggling intensifies. Seeking to work the ladies back into his life, Jake tries to juggle a semi-hot teacher, a hot dental hygienist, and a librarian-hot librarian, but the stunt ends only in a separated lady shoulder and a few broken lady fingers.
Despite being unable to juggle actual ladies, Jake decides to start his own circus:
Jake's first show involves a daring tightrope walk across the narrows of St. John's harbour while juggling scratch tickets. Will Jake make it to the other side? Will he ever go back to being a PI? How long will Rose put up with being the bearded lady before smacking the face off Jake?
The show really produces more questions than answers...
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Doyle it to the Ground
Jake goes to a Conference in Montreal for "crime fighters." Jake becomes embarrassed when mainlanders make fun of his accent, and spends the rest of the episode speaking in a newscaster's dialect. Executives of the new "Fox news North" overhear Jake's perfect english, and hire him to be their lead anchor.
Jake's first broadcast starts out smoothly, but as he realizes that the news is all made up, he gets nervous and the Newfoundland accent starts coming out. As Jake uses more Newfoundland English, the Fox people get very upset, and Bill O'Reilly interrupts the broadcast to tear into Jake, who head butts O'Reilly and takes off.
The regular Fox News in the States begins reporting that the US invasion of Newfoundland is imminent, and Paul McCartney is interviewed to show the world the inhumanity of Newfoundlanders.
Jake heads back home hoping his new media connections will get him a date with Lynn Burry.
Meanwhile, polls show that while nobody knows what Newfoundland did to who, or where it is, it should be attacked immediately. American military forces begin to embark on "Operation Doyle it to the Ground." Will America attack Newfoundland? Will Jake go down hot newscaster road? Will the O'Reilly/Doyle video go viral?
Watch next week, and maybe we'll get back to it (we also have an episode where Tinny throws up on Des, so we might go with that instead).
Jake's first broadcast starts out smoothly, but as he realizes that the news is all made up, he gets nervous and the Newfoundland accent starts coming out. As Jake uses more Newfoundland English, the Fox people get very upset, and Bill O'Reilly interrupts the broadcast to tear into Jake, who head butts O'Reilly and takes off.
The regular Fox News in the States begins reporting that the US invasion of Newfoundland is imminent, and Paul McCartney is interviewed to show the world the inhumanity of Newfoundlanders.
Jake heads back home hoping his new media connections will get him a date with Lynn Burry.
Meanwhile, polls show that while nobody knows what Newfoundland did to who, or where it is, it should be attacked immediately. American military forces begin to embark on "Operation Doyle it to the Ground." Will America attack Newfoundland? Will Jake go down hot newscaster road? Will the O'Reilly/Doyle video go viral?
Watch next week, and maybe we'll get back to it (we also have an episode where Tinny throws up on Des, so we might go with that instead).
Doyle on the Ice, Part II: Epic Doyle Time
Jake escapes the terrifying seal skinning machine by simply getting off the conveyor belt, and showing some ID to the plant manager to prove he isn't a seal.
Everybody is happy to have Jake back, except for Des who was enjoying a moment in the spotlight. Everybody wants Jake to solve the case, but after his ordeal, Jake is starved and half-frozen.
Jake purchases a mancho to warm up, makes and eats an entire turkey dinner, drinks a 26er of rum, and goes to sleep for 5 weeks.
In Jake's absence, Des solves the case of the activists, meets Margo Huntington-Smith, and goes down hot activist road. Tinny spies on the affair, and feels a tinge of something, and realizes it must be indigestion from the turkey. Will Tinny realize her feelings for Des? Will Jake ever wake up?
Everybody is happy to have Jake back, except for Des who was enjoying a moment in the spotlight. Everybody wants Jake to solve the case, but after his ordeal, Jake is starved and half-frozen.
Jake purchases a mancho to warm up, makes and eats an entire turkey dinner, drinks a 26er of rum, and goes to sleep for 5 weeks.
In Jake's absence, Des solves the case of the activists, meets Margo Huntington-Smith, and goes down hot activist road. Tinny spies on the affair, and feels a tinge of something, and realizes it must be indigestion from the turkey. Will Tinny realize her feelings for Des? Will Jake ever wake up?
Doyle on the Ice, Part 1
The Doyles investigate cases of harassment by activists during the annual seal hunt. Jake goes out on the ice to track down the activists, but the weather shifts, and Jake becomes stranded on an ice pan.
With few rations and little winter clothing, Jake wonders how he will meet any ladies on an ice pan. He chats up a few seals, but is generally rebuffed. Finally Jake's pan crosses paths with a pan holding another lost soul, sexy activist Margo Huntington-Smith, who sweet talks jake before knocking him out and stealing his leather jacket. Jake wakes up not remembering much, and wondering if he "scored."
Jake, realizing he is in real trouble, kills a large seal, and climbs inside the carcass to keep warm, where he falls asleep. When Jake wakes up, he is on a conveyor belt moving towards the terrifying seal skinning machine.
Is this the end of Doyle the PI and the start of Doyle the old lady's seal coat?
With few rations and little winter clothing, Jake wonders how he will meet any ladies on an ice pan. He chats up a few seals, but is generally rebuffed. Finally Jake's pan crosses paths with a pan holding another lost soul, sexy activist Margo Huntington-Smith, who sweet talks jake before knocking him out and stealing his leather jacket. Jake wakes up not remembering much, and wondering if he "scored."
Jake, realizing he is in real trouble, kills a large seal, and climbs inside the carcass to keep warm, where he falls asleep. When Jake wakes up, he is on a conveyor belt moving towards the terrifying seal skinning machine.
Is this the end of Doyle the PI and the start of Doyle the old lady's seal coat?
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Slaughterhouse Doyle
When the private investigating business starts to dry up in St. John's, Jake decides that it's time for him to lock down some financial security. He starts wooing some of the richest single women in the city before settling down on the wealthy heiress to the Purity empire. Unfortunately she's got the body of Kathy Bates and a face like Gary Busey. Jake manages to get away with infidelity by claiming he has cases to solve while he sneaks off for a drive down Hot Cop Road. Other nights, he lies in bed and thinks about the time he fought Nazis in Dresden.
So it goes.
So it goes.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
The Manchurian Doyle
In order to win back Leslie after the evidence room debacle, Jake decides that Leslie is attracted to men with power, and that he should run for mayor of St. John's.
In order to increase his visibility, Jake insists that from now on the media must refer to the cases he works as "Doyle Cases," and any general police work as "Doyleology." Unfortunately, Jake has a string of cases that he can't seem to solve, and since his name is always attached with these failures, his popularity plummets. Since Jake lacks the votes needed, he asks if he can be "minority mayor of St. John's," forcing council to explain that, "we don't really do that..."
Jake realizes that maybe the best public service he can perform is to be there for the ladies... and solve crimes. Working on these strengths, Jake fights his way back into contention. While Leslie seems non-committal, the hot prosecutor likes the idea of Jake being mayor, leading to renewed jealousy between the two. Is Jake about to become mayor, and will he rename all streets "hot cop road" or "hot prosecutor road?"
At the last moment, Jake is disqualified, because he is not originally from St. John's. His name is moved over to the only other ballot he is eligible for, and he becomes mayor of his birthplace, Doyle Island. Upon hearing the news, Jake....
To be continued...
In order to increase his visibility, Jake insists that from now on the media must refer to the cases he works as "Doyle Cases," and any general police work as "Doyleology." Unfortunately, Jake has a string of cases that he can't seem to solve, and since his name is always attached with these failures, his popularity plummets. Since Jake lacks the votes needed, he asks if he can be "minority mayor of St. John's," forcing council to explain that, "we don't really do that..."
Jake realizes that maybe the best public service he can perform is to be there for the ladies... and solve crimes. Working on these strengths, Jake fights his way back into contention. While Leslie seems non-committal, the hot prosecutor likes the idea of Jake being mayor, leading to renewed jealousy between the two. Is Jake about to become mayor, and will he rename all streets "hot cop road" or "hot prosecutor road?"
At the last moment, Jake is disqualified, because he is not originally from St. John's. His name is moved over to the only other ballot he is eligible for, and he becomes mayor of his birthplace, Doyle Island. Upon hearing the news, Jake....
To be continued...
Friday, March 4, 2011
Doyle Hood
Leslie calls Jake and asks for his help on a case. Jake is with the hot prosecutor, but drops her to go flirt with Leslie. Jake and Leslie get caught up in a moment of passion, and Jake finds himself on hot cop road in the RNC evidence room.
Leslie leaves first to avoid suspicion from her colleagues, and Jake is alone with a ton of drugs, money, and guns. Jake decides that this stuff could really help the needy of St. John's, and sneaks out with a carload of evidence.
Jake heads over to the Salvation Army, where he hands out oxy to those without, revolvers to the hungry, and money to the rich businessmen volunteering there who don't really need it all. Jake heads back to meet Leslie proud of his humanitarian work. The RNC is abuzz over the evidence room theft, drug-related crimes are spiking across the city, and everyone is looking for Jake.
Jake grows a mullet to hide his identity, and meets Pinsent's strongman, ex-con Alan Doyle, who, despite his efforts to act like an ex-con, can't break out of his Robin Hood character Alan-a-Dayle.
Jake and Alan go into hiding in the woods, and Jake tries to help Alan regain his identity as frontman of Great Big Sea, but a-Dayle is not impressed with he "Oh yeah!" theme song.
Russell Crowe is angry that Jake has been impersonating him by taking from the rich and giving to the poor. Crowe and the RNC find Jake and Allan in the woods. The chase ends with an epic battle on Middle Cove beach between Jake and Allan and the needy of St. John's (there to protect their hero Jake), and Russell Crowe, the RNC, and the jilted hot prosecutor, with Leslie caught in the middle. Ridley Scott shows up with a video camera, so he can post the video on youtube.
Will Jake survive Crowe's wrath? Will Jake get another chance with Leslie or the hot prosecutor? There's no telling, as the show's producers didn't intend for the involvement of Crowe or Scott, or the battle on the beach, and are terrified of the cost overruns. The show's only hope now is that Scott's video takes home the Oscar for the category of "best youtube video of a TV drama impersonating a feature length film" and that Allan Hawco take home the oscar for "best abs."
Leslie leaves first to avoid suspicion from her colleagues, and Jake is alone with a ton of drugs, money, and guns. Jake decides that this stuff could really help the needy of St. John's, and sneaks out with a carload of evidence.
Jake heads over to the Salvation Army, where he hands out oxy to those without, revolvers to the hungry, and money to the rich businessmen volunteering there who don't really need it all. Jake heads back to meet Leslie proud of his humanitarian work. The RNC is abuzz over the evidence room theft, drug-related crimes are spiking across the city, and everyone is looking for Jake.
Jake grows a mullet to hide his identity, and meets Pinsent's strongman, ex-con Alan Doyle, who, despite his efforts to act like an ex-con, can't break out of his Robin Hood character Alan-a-Dayle.
Jake and Alan go into hiding in the woods, and Jake tries to help Alan regain his identity as frontman of Great Big Sea, but a-Dayle is not impressed with he "Oh yeah!" theme song.
Russell Crowe is angry that Jake has been impersonating him by taking from the rich and giving to the poor. Crowe and the RNC find Jake and Allan in the woods. The chase ends with an epic battle on Middle Cove beach between Jake and Allan and the needy of St. John's (there to protect their hero Jake), and Russell Crowe, the RNC, and the jilted hot prosecutor, with Leslie caught in the middle. Ridley Scott shows up with a video camera, so he can post the video on youtube.
Will Jake survive Crowe's wrath? Will Jake get another chance with Leslie or the hot prosecutor? There's no telling, as the show's producers didn't intend for the involvement of Crowe or Scott, or the battle on the beach, and are terrified of the cost overruns. The show's only hope now is that Scott's video takes home the Oscar for the category of "best youtube video of a TV drama impersonating a feature length film" and that Allan Hawco take home the oscar for "best abs."
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Doyle it to the Next Level
In the final chapter of this 3-part epic: (See: Doyle it Back a Little, and Doyle it Down, will ya?) the crime rate in Newfoundland is not high enough to require the services of the RCMP, the 'stab, and a PI team.
Lacking cases, Jake, rather than being satisfied that crime is low, starts a number of crime sprees to show that he is needed, then begins investigating himself when he is hired to track down who is behind his crime sprees. Jake tracks himself down to his secret lair above the Duke, and finds the plans, diagrams, and maps of his own schemes. Excited, Jake arrests himself...
Leslie drops by to share some sexual tension with Jake, only to find him in handcuffs, and evidence of his crime spree all over the apartment. Leslie has no choice but to arrest Jake, and he once again becomes the laughing stock of the police and lawyers of St. John's.
The judge, in recognition of his past services to the city, does not send him to the pen. Jake moves to Toronto where the crime rate is higher, so he can once again work as a PI. Jakes arrives in Toronto to discover everyone wears a leather jacket and sunglasses, and he doesn't stand out at all, despite his efforts to find the blackest leather jackets and darkest shades. Can Jake make it as a PI in Toronto, or will he have to get a job in a beer factory? Will he ever make it back to Newfoundland?
The ladies of St. John's miss Jake terribly, and begin crime sprees all over the city in order to bring the native son home. Jake returns to St. John's, now known as "St. Detroit," happily seduces more local ladies, and fights the crimes they commit to provide work for him.
Lacking cases, Jake, rather than being satisfied that crime is low, starts a number of crime sprees to show that he is needed, then begins investigating himself when he is hired to track down who is behind his crime sprees. Jake tracks himself down to his secret lair above the Duke, and finds the plans, diagrams, and maps of his own schemes. Excited, Jake arrests himself...
Leslie drops by to share some sexual tension with Jake, only to find him in handcuffs, and evidence of his crime spree all over the apartment. Leslie has no choice but to arrest Jake, and he once again becomes the laughing stock of the police and lawyers of St. John's.
The judge, in recognition of his past services to the city, does not send him to the pen. Jake moves to Toronto where the crime rate is higher, so he can once again work as a PI. Jakes arrives in Toronto to discover everyone wears a leather jacket and sunglasses, and he doesn't stand out at all, despite his efforts to find the blackest leather jackets and darkest shades. Can Jake make it as a PI in Toronto, or will he have to get a job in a beer factory? Will he ever make it back to Newfoundland?
The ladies of St. John's miss Jake terribly, and begin crime sprees all over the city in order to bring the native son home. Jake returns to St. John's, now known as "St. Detroit," happily seduces more local ladies, and fights the crimes they commit to provide work for him.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
The Last of the Doyles
Jake goes for a routine medical exam, and discovers his "little Doyles don't work." The Doyle family decides to prank Jake, each member claiming that they are either impotent, can't bear children, or are gay, leading Jake to believe he is the last of the Doyles.
Jake is distraught that such a fine people will soon die out, and donates himself to science to find the secret to immortality, so nobody has to live in a world without Doyles. Scientists discover a way to cryogenically freeze Jake, so that he will live forever in suspended animation. Jake has one last shag with Leslie. The doctors freeze Jake, and build a grand mausoleum for him in Bannerman Park where everyone can enjoy him.
Leslie is shocked to discover she is with child. Is Jake really the father, and can the immortality process be reversed? This sounds like a job for Jakes' time machine. Or a nuclear reactor. Or a trip to the Sun. Or a secret antidote. Or a trip to the Earth's core. Or the miracle of Leslie's touch. Or whatever they did to Han Solo in Star Wars. The cryogenic freezing doesn't actually stand much of a chance.
Jake is distraught that such a fine people will soon die out, and donates himself to science to find the secret to immortality, so nobody has to live in a world without Doyles. Scientists discover a way to cryogenically freeze Jake, so that he will live forever in suspended animation. Jake has one last shag with Leslie. The doctors freeze Jake, and build a grand mausoleum for him in Bannerman Park where everyone can enjoy him.
Leslie is shocked to discover she is with child. Is Jake really the father, and can the immortality process be reversed? This sounds like a job for Jakes' time machine. Or a nuclear reactor. Or a trip to the Sun. Or a secret antidote. Or a trip to the Earth's core. Or the miracle of Leslie's touch. Or whatever they did to Han Solo in Star Wars. The cryogenic freezing doesn't actually stand much of a chance.
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