Friday, April 4, 2014

Season of the Doyle

Mal's career, which is about as old and tired as Madonna's, is at something of a standstill.  Despite Rose's demands that he "just grow a pair and get back to work," Mal decides to follow the singer into the study of ancient art of Kabbalah with hopes of reinvigorating his quickly deteriorating detecting sense.

Before long, Mal's obsessed with the number 6 - though he can't figure out why.

2 wives x 3 children = 6

6x6=36 (and look at that - another 6)

approximately 13x6 = approximately 78 (which is about how old Mal thinks his body feels now that he's started to think about it)

6, when flipped upside down, is similar to 9, which is his favourite number.

After a very tedious weekend for the entire Doyle clan as Mal works his numerology magic on 6 Jake invites Mal out for a few pints at the Duke.  Mal gets so drunk he forgets the hole '6 thing.'

By early Monday afternoon the only thing Mal can think about is his incredible hangover (he doesn't even notice that it took him only 6 pints to get there).

For better or worse, the six mystery goes unsolved.

Friday, March 28, 2014

The Doyle-verse

This episode, set in the multi-verse, cuts from scene of Jake bedding a hot lady to scene of Jake bedding a hot lady until all of the iterations of Jake bedding a hot lady have been shown.

(This infinitely long episode will be the concluding episode of the series).

The Doyle that Paddy Murphy Died

Jake and some of the b'ys got loaded drunk and they ain't been sober yet.

(Meanwhile, Tinny makes a series of horrible life choices.)

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Planet of the Jakes

By season whatever it is now, Doyle has bedded all the hot ladies on the planet, and created billions of illegitimate young studs. Jake, curious about how these little Jakes and Jakettes will change the world, decides to see the future. He visits his stable of time-traveling machines that he's collected though the years, and being in a vaguely Ben Hurish mood, chooses the time-travelling chariot that Russell Crowe gave him a few years ago for his bar mitzvah, even though he is neither young nor jewish.

Jake finds the future of the planet to be highly stratified: the planet is controlled by a population of his Abs, and the humans that are left are at the bottom rung. The Abs are warrior poets, highly intelligent and highly evolved, capable of great acts of war and grace. They welcome Jake as the return of their demigod. The Abs have saved the planet by doing loads of "reps" of crunches, and eating only skinless human breast. In this utopia, Jake isn't sure if there is anything to do.

Jakes takes the case of what to do with the few humans left, who are still a threat to the planet with their backwards ways, and their deification of Rob Ford. The Abs have the humans trapped in a maze built from surplus ab workout gear. Jake takes pity on the humans and leads them to freedom.* The Abs grow afraid of Jake as a messiah of the humans, and execute him in an abdominizer.

Will Jake be reborn and rise up to meet Mal at the Duke for a pint? Will Abdominal Doyleism be a dominant organized religion in the future? If Jake beds a hot lady Ab from the future, is it incest? All of these questions will be answered in a five-hour Charlton Heston's ghost epic. Try to stay awake.

(*freedom: a tightly controlled existence designed to further the interests of greedy corporations)

Monday, November 4, 2013

Doyles and Arrows

The Doyles, in a particularly vengful mood, take what's left of Paul Gross's career out back and give it a grand ol' curb stomping.  Rose initially suggests they go easy on 'the face,' but eventually loses herself in the action and ends up dishing out more solid smacks than anyone else.

2001: A Jake Odyssey

It's that time in Jake's relationship cycle when all the hot ladies from town are right rotted at him. Jake decides it's time to get out of town for a bit and find some hot bay lady action. Jake checks his map for all the retirement homes (since all the hot ladies around the bay are pushing 70), packs up the GTO with condoms and polident, and hits the road.

Gas is pretty expensive these days, so Jake only makes it as far as Mount Pearl and figures it's far enough, even though a full 14% of his hot lady from town action is actually commuters from the Pearl. Jake spots a few Mount Pearl Curls heading into the Glacier and decides to investigate. The Glacier is hosting a traditional Newfoundland music night featuring a chin music competition, and more importantly, is packed with hot Pearly-ites. Jake decides to enter the competition to impress these bedroom community foxes. When Jake attempts to sing nonsense syllables from his throat, his abs break into song!

Jake's abs sing opera in the most beautiful pure falsetto, breaking hearts and glasses all over the glacier. Soon Jake is discovered by the opera crowd and whisked off to perform in the opera houses of Budapest, Vienna, and Paris. Jake becomes famous and gets all kinds of hot foreign lady action causing mass protests among the foreign fellas.

Meanwhile, under the Franco-Swiss border, the Large Hadron Collider has gained sentience. The fellas in long white coats are baffled as to how this happened, and concerned that the personality of the LHC tends towards the morose with occasional bouts of violence. Jake is called away from the opera circuit to deal with the situation, and is delighted to have a case again, but unsure how he can help with his D in grade 11 physics.

Jake ventures into the depths of Swiss rock alone to discover that the Large Hadron Collider has taken on the personality of a hot lady, and the world is in peril until she finds some love and attention (special guest star voice: Mary Walsh doing her sexiest Marg Delahunty).

Will Jake ever return to solving petty crimes and hitting on ladies from town? Will Jake and his singing abs save the universe? Will Switzerland survive the tremors if Jake finds the G-spot? If the CBC sensors make the outcome vague, the particle collider porn the scientists are filming should clear things right up.

Sunday, October 27, 2013


All of a sudden Jake's regular men's bowling league team kicks him off of the roster.  None of the remaining team members are willing to explain why, after years of membership, they're kicking him off of the team.  Jake isn't content with this non-answer.

Immediately, with Des and Tinny's help, Jake sets up round-the-clock surveillance on the remaining three team members.  Jake then gets Rose to tap their cell phones so he can listen in on all of their calls.

After a solid week and a half of top notch private detecting and NSA-level phone surveillance, Jake realizes that his teammates finally figured out that he'd long been sleeping with all of their wives.  Most amazing, at least in Jake's eyes, is that none of the hot wives came his way for emotional support (read 'a good rogering') during this time of marital turmoil.

Meanwhile, Mal's in the hospital with something or other.  The bowling drama was far to exciting for Jake to pay attention to the deteriorating health of his only father.

During all of this Doyle family drama Leslie frigged up some case or another through both sheer incompetence and because she's a poor judge of character.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Butch Cassidoyle and the SunDes Kid

Des and Tinny decide to conclusively determine if it's nature or nurture when it comes to their criminal genetic origins.  Des and Tinny further decide that the only test that will work is a heist with their fathers followed-up by an assessment of their skills and abilities as crooks.

That both of their fathers are in prison does pose a few problems, though these were easily solved by a double jail-break.  Of course, just because their fathers are out of jail doesn't mean they are necessarily up for a sentence-lengthening heist.

Through the power of a 'get the gang back together scene' a la Blues Brothers everything is arranged for the big heist.

It so happens that the bank Des and Tinny are casing had just hired Jake and Mal to perform a security assessment after they'd noticed a few flaws.

Just as the heist is about to start the staked-out Doyles notice that something's up.  Instead of calling the cops - because that's not their style - they decide to intervene themselves.

Once the Doyles have apprehended the 'gang' and realize who their dealing with they decide to quietly unjailbreak the fathers and just give Des and Tinny a stern talking to.  Of course, after this unexpected turn of events Des and Tinny still have no idea if they have a genetic predisposition to crime or not?  B'ys, they're some rotted at Jake and Mal for ruining their tidy experiment.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Doyle Poppins

After being fired by Mal due to a lack of business and questionable client relations  Jake offers his services as a nanny to two children from Bauline.  After showing up for his first day of work on a floating Ugly stick Jake realizes a few slugs of Screech helps calm the children down and helps his jokes hit just a little harder.  

After ripping his shirt off on a field trip to George Street Jake accidentally bangs the kids' mom. Before you know it he's back in the detecting game. 

Meanwhile Tinny'd been cleaning Des's chimney (if you know what I mean).


Jake stumbles upon a sleepy rural town where it's illegal to take your shirt off. Jake organizes a wet t-shirt contest and handily wins, proving to the town mayor that a six pack and large nipples can bring a town together. In the climatic ending Mayor Rob Ford smokes all the crack, hooks up with Jake and takes his shirt off, reminding the town why they implemented the shirt bylaw in the first place.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Magic Doyle

Jake decides that it's time to get out of the detecting business. With nothing but a gym bag full of tight shirts and no other discernible skills, he turns to stripping at the Cotton Club ladies nights.

Jake is initially pleased with the steady stream of loonies being tossed his way and even picks up a few cougars on good nights. Jake hopes that he will be taken under the wing of one of the older, more experienced dancers and tries to become BFFs with some of the hot young fellas. 

After almost breaking a hip in dry humping maneuver gone awry, Jake comes to the realization that he's the Matthew McConaughey in this scenario and leaves the Club feeling greasy, old and inadequate.

In the epilogue, Jake gets kicked out of the house for tracking glitter everywhere.


Jakes decides to get into podcasting to kill the time on stake outs. Each week Jake invites two notable individuals from Newfoundland or the detecting community into his surveillance van for an intense and thoughtful chat. It isn't long before WTD is rocketing up the iTunes charts and everyone is hoping for an invite to 'the van.'

A History of the world in a 100 Doyles

At a Doyle family reunion heretofore unknown and previously unmentioned Doyles are introduced to explain the role the Doyle family played in all stages of the development and history of Newfoundland. The whole private detecting angle is dropped for this intense character based multi-generational epic of an episode. 

Don't worry, Jake still finds the time to take his shirt off and hook up with hotties (they're mostly not too closely related to him).

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Djoyle Unchained

(The 'j' is silent). 

Jake gets a tip about a local Mandingo operation and rather than passing along the tip to Leslie and the RNC he sells himself to Des as a fighter goes deep undercover. 

When one of the fights leads to a scratch on his abs Jake loses heart and emancipates himself and just rats everyone out to Leslie.  

Just before Leslie and the b'ys arrive to arrest everyone Jake accidentally knocks loose the gas stove before lighting up a quick smoke. The place, along with a crotchety old Mandingo trainer, goes up in a ball of flames but is only seen as a reflection on the aviators of the approaching cops - somehow Jake and Des make it out alive well enough to try to chat up a few of the lady cops. 

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Any Given Doyle

While down at the Duke one night a drunk Jake runs into John Murphy, of the infamous Murphy private detecting clan who are best known for the dubious and vicious tactics.  When challenged to a detecting challenge by Murphy, Jake, so confident in the abilities of his Doyles, offers any member of his family to go head-to-head with any member of the Murphy clan.

After some quick surveiling of the Doyles Murphy decides that he will represent the Murphy clan and that Tinny will  be the Doyle representative.  As soon as a new case comes in they'll be off to the races.

Not surprisingly, because it's basically all private detecting is these days, the next case to come in is a simple insurance company surveillance case.  Murphy, with his years of experience and practice in the art of bladder control finds the task easy.  Tinny immediately gulps down a few double-doubles and soon finds that she's about to burst, a state of affairs that draws her away from the surveillance mission at the critical juncture.

Of course, though the outcome of this detect-off will result in a black mark on the Doyles' reputation, even they were kind of expecting such an outcome as soon as Tinny was chosen as their representative.  Was there ever even a half-reasonable chance that she wouldn't Tinny it up?

Saturday, January 12, 2013

The Dark Doyle Rises

After a series of tough and personally challenging cases Jake is forced to reconsider is role in the private detecting game.  Can his body really handle any more tough falls or cracks on the head?  And arent' those late nights at the Duke are just getting harder and harder to overcome the next day?  Should he just skulk away in the dark of night and hope that everyone just forgets who he was and what he meant to the people of St. John's?

After a period of seclusion Jake is finally drawn out of his shell by a hot cat burglar he finds searching through his office.  At first he kind of wants to know why she's there, but eventually his true nature gets the best of him and he just want to get to know her hot self.

Surprise, surprise, it turns out that this hot lady cat burglar is caught up with a master criminal who is bent on destroying Jake and the Doyles once and for all.  Though it doesn't take long to turn this hot lady cat burglar over to the good side (and after all, isn't that really where her heart was all along?), Jake's bigger problem is how he will go about using his special detecting skills to unblock all of the roads in and out of St. John's that the master criminal has almost magically blocked in the dark of night. If Jake isn't able to free the people of St. John's they'll soon run out of beer, gas, and groceries and perish before his very eyes.

After single-handidly defeating the master criminal in a hand-to-hand fight and freeing the people of St. John's Jake retires to Burgeo with the hot lady cat burglar.  Aside from the one time Malachy thinks he sees Jake at a gas station he is never seen again by any of the Doyle clan.  Thus, Des is forced to step up and fill the private detecting shoes left by Jake.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The Doyle Wears Prada

Jake senses that something must be up when, all of a sudden, Tinny starts sport a new Prada wardrobe.  Jake wonders how this part-time PI's assistant can afford these new threads, or even find this season's Prada offerings in St. John's?

Hoping not to worry Mal and Rose that something illegal may be up with their judgment impaired granddaughter, Jake decides to take on the investigation pro bono with only Walter's help.

Using his high lawyer's salary as a front, Jake sends Walter to every high-end clothing store Tinny enters. While pretending to shop Walter is actually secretly spying on Tinny and watching what she does with the clothes.

It doesn't take Jake long to figure out that Tinny hasn't come into money, but that she is just being Tinny and stealing the clothes by putting them on under he clothes.

After the threat of a beating, Tinny agrees to return all of her stolen merch.  She and Jake leave a garbage bag full of clothing on the front steps of the store in the middle of the night and then drive away in the GTO to talk about life choices and not getting caught.

Doyle Break

For Spring Break the Doyles head south and hit the beaches for a week of rest and relaxation.

Given that everyone's on vacay instead of solving mysteries the Doyles just around on beach chairs and tan and drink watered-down rum punch.  Of course this also means that that the ladies in the vicinity get plenty of time to check out Jake's chiselled physique.

From time to time, Jake gets up and does a slo-mo Baywatch-style run down the beach.  It's kind of amazing.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Mr. Doyle

In an attempt to cash in on some of the recent upswing in popularity of humorously inept teachers Jake swings by MUN and picks up some substitute teaching credentials.  Almost as soon as he's certified as a sub hot lady teachers can't wait to be 'sick' to have a chance to call Jake at 6:00 AM and speak to him for a few minutes.

Almost as soon as Jake starts getting these 6:00 AM calls from frisky lady teachers he realizes that substitute teaching isn't for him.  But because he cares about the children he can't quit in the middle of a massive flu epidemic - first he's got to get to the bottom of why there has suddenly been so much sickness among the lady teachers of St. John's.

By sending Tinny in to Holy Heart as an undercover student she is able to listen in on a few of the teachers talking about their feelings for Jake.  Of course it isn't until Jake talks to Nikki and confirms that no one in St. John's actually has the flu that he starts to figure out what's been going on.

Mal and Rose knew the score all along but kept quiet because they liked seeing Jake woken up early by lady admirers.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Le Petit Doyle

Jake wakes up to find himself alone in a resettled island outport.  Within just a few hours Jake starts to feel very protective of the animal life on the island - he knows that he would do anything to fend off a threat.

After surviving for several days on berries and lichen a mysterious man appears on the island.

Jake explains that when he is not trapped on resettled islands he is a PI.  For no apparent reason the man asks Jake to draw an investigation.

When Jake hands the man a drawing of a box he is met with confusion.  Jake then explains that the complex investigation is taking place inside the box.

There's something about Jake visiting a number of other resettled outports and then possibly dying, but who will really be paying attention to any of these details after that sweet box trick?

Sunday, March 11, 2012

No Big Doyle

Jake wins Miss Newfoundland and Labrador 2012. Townies don't see the big deal, but the outports are furious, and Mount Pearl, CBS, and Corner Brook are confused over how Jake won and whether they are town or bay.

Tinny professes to be unaffected by Jake's win, but begins dishing some serious passive agression his way. Jake offers to investigate pro bono how he, neither a woman nor between the ages of 18-24, won Miss NL, until he finds out this means for free.

Jake is pretty ambivalent about the case, since his magic tricks were awesome and his little red dress was killer. But Jake tracks a lead to Tinny's room where he discovers the plans on her wall to win Miss NL, and it becomes clear to him: Des has been jealous of his success all along! Mal gently nudges Jake and mutters something. It becomes clear to him: Tinny wanted to become Miss NL!

Jake recommends that they hold the pageant again to prevent the townies and baymen from a giant battle at the Come-By-Chance refinery that could see the isthmus obliterated and the island torn.

Who will win the new competition? Will the Doyle clan get over the revelations of jealousy? How many bay lady contestants will Jake bed over two contests? Jake throws the competition, but Tinny loses out to a determined Mark Critch, and all shed tears of happiness.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Jake and the Missus

Nikki hires Jake to figure out why they ever broke up in the first place.  This forces Jake to investigate the dozens of affairs he had during his 6 month marriage to Nikki.  Not surprisingly, Nikki isn't the least bit pleased with the findings of the investigation - until this point she had only known about a handful of the affairs.

Fish, Food, and Allied Doyles

Jake isn't content with his working conditions.  Mal's satisfied with nothing less than a 90 hour week and a swamping out of the head every second day, and that hardly leaves Jake any time to woo the ladies of St. John's.

Jake scopes out Tinny and Des's opinions on their working conditions and find that they are similarly dissatisfied.  Much to Jake's surprise, he even finds that Rose is less than happing with her job security and constantly changing schedule.

When it's finally put to a vote Jake is successful in creating the first PI-based union in the province.  Of course Mal's some rotted with his family when he learns that he will now have to negotiate with shop steward Jake before assigning tasks or changing the schedule.

Though the union is able to renegotiate Jake's contract he soon finds that while he no longer working 90 hours a week as a PI, he is making up for any reduction in paid work with union work based on complaints from his co-workers about working conditions.

Fortunately for Jake, one of the union liaisons assign to his local just happens to be a very attractive woman with a soft spot for chiseled abs.

Sadly, because the episode requires a fair bit of exposition about labour law it ends before we find out if Jake is successful in his latest conquest.

Speech from the Doyle

In his annual televised address to the criminals and law-abiders of Newfoundland Jake Doyle outlined his PI agency's plans for the coming year's crime fighting agenda.  Though he warned of a reduced budget, Jake promised increased crime-fighting through various efficiencies, particularly the adoption of a paper-free-workplace policy.  Jake also promised that, through attrition, he would reduce the size of his staff and facilitate the creation of the most efficient and effective crime-fighting PI agency the province has ever seen.  Of course, Jake also promised transparency and accountability as well as to continue to work on his abs and continue to drive his GTO (w)recklessly through the streets of St. John's.

Are the criminals really scared by these changes? Is the new page-a-day Jake Doyle abs calendar really going to be the revenue generator Jake thinks it will be?  Will Mal figure out that he is the one being talked about when Jake uses the word 'attrition'?

Friday, March 2, 2012

Throw Doyle From the Train

Jake flashes back to the time Christian threw him from the Trinity Loop train, humiliating him in front of all the girls at camp.  This round of reminiscing leads to a bout of depression that sets him back at least a week or two with the ladies.  Fortunately for the good citizens of St. John's, Jake Doyle can private detect through even serious depression.