Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The Doyle Wears Prada

Jake senses that something must be up when, all of a sudden, Tinny starts sport a new Prada wardrobe.  Jake wonders how this part-time PI's assistant can afford these new threads, or even find this season's Prada offerings in St. John's?

Hoping not to worry Mal and Rose that something illegal may be up with their judgment impaired granddaughter, Jake decides to take on the investigation pro bono with only Walter's help.

Using his high lawyer's salary as a front, Jake sends Walter to every high-end clothing store Tinny enters. While pretending to shop Walter is actually secretly spying on Tinny and watching what she does with the clothes.

It doesn't take Jake long to figure out that Tinny hasn't come into money, but that she is just being Tinny and stealing the clothes by putting them on under he clothes.

After the threat of a beating, Tinny agrees to return all of her stolen merch.  She and Jake leave a garbage bag full of clothing on the front steps of the store in the middle of the night and then drive away in the GTO to talk about life choices and not getting caught.

Doyle Break

For Spring Break the Doyles head south and hit the beaches for a week of rest and relaxation.

Given that everyone's on vacay instead of solving mysteries the Doyles just around on beach chairs and tan and drink watered-down rum punch.  Of course this also means that that the ladies in the vicinity get plenty of time to check out Jake's chiselled physique.

From time to time, Jake gets up and does a slo-mo Baywatch-style run down the beach.  It's kind of amazing.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Mr. Doyle

In an attempt to cash in on some of the recent upswing in popularity of humorously inept teachers Jake swings by MUN and picks up some substitute teaching credentials.  Almost as soon as he's certified as a sub hot lady teachers can't wait to be 'sick' to have a chance to call Jake at 6:00 AM and speak to him for a few minutes.

Almost as soon as Jake starts getting these 6:00 AM calls from frisky lady teachers he realizes that substitute teaching isn't for him.  But because he cares about the children he can't quit in the middle of a massive flu epidemic - first he's got to get to the bottom of why there has suddenly been so much sickness among the lady teachers of St. John's.

By sending Tinny in to Holy Heart as an undercover student she is able to listen in on a few of the teachers talking about their feelings for Jake.  Of course it isn't until Jake talks to Nikki and confirms that no one in St. John's actually has the flu that he starts to figure out what's been going on.

Mal and Rose knew the score all along but kept quiet because they liked seeing Jake woken up early by lady admirers.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Le Petit Doyle

Jake wakes up to find himself alone in a resettled island outport.  Within just a few hours Jake starts to feel very protective of the animal life on the island - he knows that he would do anything to fend off a threat.

After surviving for several days on berries and lichen a mysterious man appears on the island.

Jake explains that when he is not trapped on resettled islands he is a PI.  For no apparent reason the man asks Jake to draw an investigation.

When Jake hands the man a drawing of a box he is met with confusion.  Jake then explains that the complex investigation is taking place inside the box.

There's something about Jake visiting a number of other resettled outports and then possibly dying, but who will really be paying attention to any of these details after that sweet box trick?

Sunday, March 11, 2012

No Big Doyle

Jake wins Miss Newfoundland and Labrador 2012. Townies don't see the big deal, but the outports are furious, and Mount Pearl, CBS, and Corner Brook are confused over how Jake won and whether they are town or bay.

Tinny professes to be unaffected by Jake's win, but begins dishing some serious passive agression his way. Jake offers to investigate pro bono how he, neither a woman nor between the ages of 18-24, won Miss NL, until he finds out this means for free.

Jake is pretty ambivalent about the case, since his magic tricks were awesome and his little red dress was killer. But Jake tracks a lead to Tinny's room where he discovers the plans on her wall to win Miss NL, and it becomes clear to him: Des has been jealous of his success all along! Mal gently nudges Jake and mutters something. It becomes clear to him: Tinny wanted to become Miss NL!

Jake recommends that they hold the pageant again to prevent the townies and baymen from a giant battle at the Come-By-Chance refinery that could see the isthmus obliterated and the island torn.

Who will win the new competition? Will the Doyle clan get over the revelations of jealousy? How many bay lady contestants will Jake bed over two contests? Jake throws the competition, but Tinny loses out to a determined Mark Critch, and all shed tears of happiness.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Jake and the Missus

Nikki hires Jake to figure out why they ever broke up in the first place.  This forces Jake to investigate the dozens of affairs he had during his 6 month marriage to Nikki.  Not surprisingly, Nikki isn't the least bit pleased with the findings of the investigation - until this point she had only known about a handful of the affairs.

Fish, Food, and Allied Doyles

Jake isn't content with his working conditions.  Mal's satisfied with nothing less than a 90 hour week and a swamping out of the head every second day, and that hardly leaves Jake any time to woo the ladies of St. John's.

Jake scopes out Tinny and Des's opinions on their working conditions and find that they are similarly dissatisfied.  Much to Jake's surprise, he even finds that Rose is less than happing with her job security and constantly changing schedule.

When it's finally put to a vote Jake is successful in creating the first PI-based union in the province.  Of course Mal's some rotted with his family when he learns that he will now have to negotiate with shop steward Jake before assigning tasks or changing the schedule.

Though the union is able to renegotiate Jake's contract he soon finds that while he no longer working 90 hours a week as a PI, he is making up for any reduction in paid work with union work based on complaints from his co-workers about working conditions.

Fortunately for Jake, one of the union liaisons assign to his local just happens to be a very attractive woman with a soft spot for chiseled abs.

Sadly, because the episode requires a fair bit of exposition about labour law it ends before we find out if Jake is successful in his latest conquest.

Speech from the Doyle

In his annual televised address to the criminals and law-abiders of Newfoundland Jake Doyle outlined his PI agency's plans for the coming year's crime fighting agenda.  Though he warned of a reduced budget, Jake promised increased crime-fighting through various efficiencies, particularly the adoption of a paper-free-workplace policy.  Jake also promised that, through attrition, he would reduce the size of his staff and facilitate the creation of the most efficient and effective crime-fighting PI agency the province has ever seen.  Of course, Jake also promised transparency and accountability as well as to continue to work on his abs and continue to drive his GTO (w)recklessly through the streets of St. John's.

Are the criminals really scared by these changes? Is the new page-a-day Jake Doyle abs calendar really going to be the revenue generator Jake thinks it will be?  Will Mal figure out that he is the one being talked about when Jake uses the word 'attrition'?

Friday, March 2, 2012

Throw Doyle From the Train

Jake flashes back to the time Christian threw him from the Trinity Loop train, humiliating him in front of all the girls at camp.  This round of reminiscing leads to a bout of depression that sets him back at least a week or two with the ladies.  Fortunately for the good citizens of St. John's, Jake Doyle can private detect through even serious depression.

The Doyle's New Clothes

Fearing his sense of style may is a bit outdated Jake heads to Tinny for some up-to-date fashion advice.  Tinny agrees to help Jake immediately, maybe even a little too fast.

Soon enough Jake is decked out in a wide array of thrift store 'finds' which Tinny assures him are what all the kids are wearing these days.  She is particularly emphatic that he has to wear at least a wolf print sweatshirt or free beer shirt each day if he is to fit in.

Mal and Rose are immediately horrified by Jake's change of attire (and they can't help but wonder where the $300 leather jacket they recently purchased him has gone).  Mal is worried what this unprofessional attire might do to client retention (this is a little strange as he doesn't seem to mind that Jake sleeps with all of the female clients).

Des and Walter are encouraged to use their positions of trust with Jake to get to the bottom of the Jake's new Ke$ha influenced garbage-chic look.

Though Des soon figures out that Tinny is behind this practical fashion joke his misplaced affection convinces him that he should cover for her and that all will be right with the world if she just helps Jake get back to something approximating his old sense of style, even if it is a little 1994.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Doyle Swan

Jake finally suffers a mental breakdown while on an important case tracking down Jimmy "Rubber boots" Squires and the Ugly Stick B'ys. While it is unclear what the charges are, they are all clearly hard cases, and up to no good. Jake is not under pressure from the chase; he's only got to pick up some hot dogs and have a bbq in Buckmaster Circle, and the b'ys'll show up with bottles of Boone's.

Jake is actually under pressure from having to be the most shapely PI in town in case a shirt removal is required while investigating. Jake's Holywood starvation diet leaves him short of energy for detecting clues or hitting on hotties. Every time a criminal mentions to Jake that he looks a bit paunchy, Jake must starve himself more, and crime goes up further.

Finally, Jake cracks during the trip to the supermarket to pick up food for the bbq, and can be seen running down the aisles raving about the processed food monsters. Jake then works out to look good for the bbq scene, leaving him weaker. Meanwhile Rubber boots and the Ugly Stick b'ys are wise to Jake's plan, and set a trap of their own.

Can Jake summon the strength to law down the law, or will he get beat with ugly sticks? Will Jake do ballet to get himself out of this jam? Will tofu burgers be the vegetarian option? The answers are tattooed on Jake's torso, so the shirt can come off.